


YOUR MEMORY IS MY KEEPSAKE

by Col_faridi (orphan_account)



Series: There is Only One for Me [2]
Category: Cricket RPF, Sports RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Ashes 2019, Australian Cricket Scene, Because of Reasons, Drama, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Happy Ending, Hints of Zoinis, Kisses and Cuddles, Resolved Misunderstandings, Sandpaper Gate, That Match, They Talk for real, and other possibilities, and the game, have I mentioned how much I love these two, if you squint really hard in later chapters, lack of conversation, that’s it, these two idiots, things you do when you have nothing else in life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-25
Updated: 2019-12-30
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:12:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 23,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21560971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Col_faridi
Summary: Between the first hello and the last goodbye they thought they had time. They didn't.of love, loss, hurt and everything in between.
Relationships: Mitch Marsh/Pat Cummins, Tim Paine/Steve Smith
Series: There is Only One for Me [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1586755
Comments: 32
Kudos: 10





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I've been working on this one since a long time. Even before the others. It's what happens when you're confined to your room with writing stuff, high on meds. They've power.  
I've a working plan to update weekly and if I don't, just know that I'll be totally blasted on my sedatives.  
Ta

**MARCH- SOUTH AFRICA**

* * *

Tim couldn’t close his eyes for even a moment. Heart in million pieces, he was still trying to make sense of past couple of days. He knew he shouldn’t be here but treacherous, treacherous heart that couldn’t stay away. That wouldn’t stay away.

A sniffle from beside him brought his attention back to the man lying in his arm, fidgety even in sleep. Face contorted in pain and the tear tracks visible and fresh, some still clinging on the lashes.

His own tears that were on the brink of his eyes threaten to fall once more. He swiftly extracted himself from the tangled body around him, heart breaking all over again with the sleepy protests coming from the bed.

Shaky fingers picked the discarded t-shirt in haste. He couldn’t bear to be here anymore, not knowing how to face the man once he wakes up, not knowing how to lessen the immense pain he was in.

Silently leaving the room, he dreaded any awake team members who might be out in the hallway. But the entire wing was eerily quiet, even though he was pretty certain that none of them were asleep.

Entering his own room, his body gave out suddenly and he struggled to hold himself on wall by the door. He felt his anxiety spike, but the person who knew how to help him best was lying two doors down, inaccessible now. No help should be expected from there anymore.

Mind swimming with all that has transpired in the last few days, he tried to regulate his erratic breathing, but his mind was not to be controlled now. It was hurting, in fact his entire being was hurting with the uncertainty of tomorrow.

And with what he had just done, he was sure he had somehow made things more problematic. Inner he was calling out for the man he had left unexpectedly, to be with him, to go back and hold the body to himself and shield it from what is to come, and to never let go.

Tim pushed himself upright and crossed the room just to fall down on the bed. In front of his closed eyes, the events of the night flowed like a slo-mo reel. The moment he had decide to sneak into Steve’s room, one that they hadn’t used in their entire stay, saw him sitting on the bed broken, silent, and shattered. He had stumbled forward in haste to comfort his boyfriend. The way Steve’s body had hit his middle like a dead weight. Then came the wrecking sobs and broken gasps that broke Tim’s own heart in million pieces again and again.

Desperate hands clutched him while his entire body shook with the force of the crying. He couldn’t do anything else than to hold Steve tightly and to let him cry. What could have he said or done anyway? This was their inferno and no respite was in stores for them.

Steve had cried for the better part of the night, his body eventually shutting off in sleep. Tim couldn’t stay there long after that, seeking refuge in <strike>their</strike> his room. Alone and worried, knowing full well there is no help or peace for him anywhere.

He wondered how Steve would feel about his runner act after waking up. Would he come and say good bye before going to catch his flight or turn away like Tim…a culprit.

The morning felt as if an impending doomsday. He wondered how everyone else’s behavior will change with him from then on. Most of them had been avoiding him outside of the field, neither knowing what to talk. The changed dynamics, unexpected and shocking not helping at all.

His life has suddenly turned upside down in a way it’d never before, not even when he was having the worst of it with constant injuries and no place in the national side. He had no idea how to untangle the knot that it had become.

The responsibility was pushed into his lap without any warning or question as to whether he even wanted to or not.

As his sister had put, ‘he was the most accessible sacrificial lamb available’. The management had other views though.

Chucked at him and he had to accept it. And now the ‘interim’ period of that has been changed to ‘full-time’ which he frankly wasn’t expecting at all.

There was no uncertainty as to what kind of reception they will receive at home once they go back. Especially him being the face of this team now.

The thoughts were all so stiflingly overwhelming. The changes, his life exploding like a card house and him knowing only after the fact.

Nobody explicitly asked him but he saw a few eyes going ‘was he aware? Did he ask Steve to stop? Didn’t it affect him like some others? Can he even go through with this responsibility?’

What could he tell them? That he is an absolute idiot? That probably his habit of keeping to himself was the biggest factor in him knowing only when shit had hit the fan? That that has cost him probably everything in life? That too just when he thought things have changed for better.

_A couple of years back he was sitting in a café, an obscure player few recognized. The table beside him was occupied by some animated teens. From what little he could make of their conversation, they were discussing behavioural issues of sports persons. He didn’t expect some random teens to latch onto something so serious. He had to focus more when the conversation turned to cricket and looked up in surprise when one of the kids said in a sagely voice “all of this will come to bite them back in the ass, one day.”_

_When he told Steve about that incident, they both wondered on the maturity of those teen especially that one kid. But their conversation boiled down to ‘that’s how some people are, you can’t help that.’_

He wished they would have taken that as an indicator of changed times and temperaments. That a portion of grown kids didn’t liked the way their idols behaved. That fair play was more important to them than winning the game.

He wondered where that kid was right that moment. What was his reaction? Did he said to friends ‘told you’ in that sagely voice, furious over the players for the disrepute they brought to the game?

How the entire management at CA did missed the fact that the generation that preferred the brand of ‘in your face’ game was taken over by a new one who didn’t take pride in that and were rather disgusted by it. How do you notice it only when there’s an uproar to change and change immediately?

Questions, questions, and more questions. The CA, the ACA, Steve as the captain, everyone…why just notice and think about doing something concrete about the antics of some of the players but not doing it.

Had they, his heart skipped painfully, Steve probably wouldn’t have had to throw himself under the bus.

They wouldn’t be hurting so much right now, both of them if someone paid attention. Even a bit. And not just considered some practices wrong when the entire world looked at those with distaste. Why not abolish them altogether. Why only when everything has turned sour and bad enough to have everyone’s attention- ‘these Aussies, they can never change’.

He had asked and asked and only yesterday Steve finally said that he took the blame because ‘he had to as the leader of the group’. He couldn’t believe his fuckin ears hearing that. The way he had exploded after that, he knew was probably not the right way to go about things but he couldn’t help it.

Steve took the blame ‘because someone had to’, ‘because he couldn’t do injustice to the innocent ones’, ‘because he should have paid attention to whatever was going on and not let things slide.’

Maybe that was right thing to do but not by lying and digging you own grave in the process. He didn’t knew why Steve behaved like a man possessed by extreme stupidity. He just wished Steve had talked to him before giving that statement to media.

Once again he only knew after it was done and media was gnawing on it like mad dogs. Statements upon statements and the final truth was that his boyfriend took the blame for them all because he ‘should’ve done something sooner’.

A ‘small price to pay for how I let you all down’ he had said finally to Tim before they were called for another set of meetings.

That was the last and only sensible conversation they had. Tonight was just anguish in both their hearts. The crushing agony curled around them stopping from anything else. And they might’ve had a conversation if he hadn’t left the way he did.

He recalled the talk with his sister who vehemently insisted that he ‘stay away from Steve for time being, for his sanity and position in the team’. How could’ve he told her that he can’t just forget his boyfriend, can’t just unlearn living with him. He simply can’t. You don’t live without air. End of story.

He couldn’t imagine a scenario where Steve and him were not together, they had it all planned to the T. They got a house together, for fuck’s sake. What is he supposed to do now? Not go back? Never talk to Steve? Forget to live?

With supreme effort his consciousness clawed its way back to the surface when the alarm rang.

He realised that Steve’s flight was in an hour and wondered if he will come to say goodbye in person? Would he even want to? Most probably not, given CA breathing down all of their necks collectively at that moment.

He probably wouldn’t risk to be seen together with Tim owing to the fact that a large number of people were still unaware of their relationship at CA.

His body felt drained of energy, and lethargic lying haphazardly on the bed, mind too full of cottony thoughts. He knew he should get some shut eye if he wanted to attend the detailed meeting scheduled that afternoon.

But he didn’t had even an iota of will to move his body and prepare to sleep, or to stop letting his mind wander in thoughts that he knew full well wouldn’t do any good to him at all.

After what felt like superhuman effort, he dragged his body towards the set of table and chair in his room, thanking the stars that he listened to his sister and filled his prescription on a whim. He’d probably gonna need them on a regular basis.

With sluggish hands he turned the lights off before throwing his knackered body on the bed once more, hoping sleep to not allude again.

Right before he could drift off though, he heard his mobile ping with the message tone he had set for Steve. Eyes snapped open and he picked his mobile to see the chat window. Two messages received one after the other-

**Leaving now**.

And then

**Bye**.

He didn’t know what to reply. What was expected of him here? Why did Steve even sent a message? Did he want to meet or was just informing him of his departure.

Before he could decide on a course of action, he felt a presence around his room’s door. He didn’t have to go and look to know who that was. But no knock came. In fact the presence was gone after just a moment.

And gone with it was Tim’s entire existence. He felt as if some finality had just settled in the room. His life crashed and burnt finally, to smithereens. Too good to last forever. There was no coming back from that moment on.

His body slammed into the bed as he felt his phone slide and hit the floor, some part of his brain registering a small crash sound. In the drowsiness surrounding his senses he couldn’t stop the tears that started flowing with vengeance. Turning sideways, he clutched the other pillow on the bed, one used by Steve till just two nights before. Heart crushing with every wreaking breathe his lungs heaved.

‘His love for a stupidly simple man made him pay some hefty price.’

The tired body and mind drifted into a painful doze with that thought.

* * *

Even though he was very silent, I was awake the moment his body left my side. Not having the courage to open my eyes, I remained silent. Probably because I feared what I’d see on his face- hatred? Disgust? Aversion?

The eyes that always held only love for me, I know I can’t bear to look at them and find it gone.

My palms are flat on the place just vacated, feeling the warmth left. If I try really hard, I can smell Tim’s presence still. I probably should take my fill right now because surely I’ll never have this again. Why would he want to come home to a cheat and a national disgrace? Why would anyone.

Just on the threshold of the room, on a whim I take out my phone and sent a message to him. And then another. No idea why I did that. I wanted to sign off with my habitual ‘love ya’ but somehow that felt like stretching my luck a little too far.

<strike>Our</strike> his room was two doors away from mine and my feet turn towards it automatically. It is a stupid thing to do and I realise that I can’t risk him were anyone to see me there now.

Hastily I turn back before Tim could even sense I am there and decide to open the door. There is no way I can face him!

I don’t want the last memory of us to be his face full of hatred for me. It’s in my hands then I’d always want to remember him as the man who <strike>loves</strike> loved me madly and fully. Not someone who I disgust now.

Even the thought of him not loving me anymore was making my head light and heart troubled. How am I ever supposed to live without his love as a constant? It is not something I ever imagined. I don’t know how to. I probably won’t be able too anyway.

I’ve been the center of Tim’s everything for too long. A life not like that is impossible for me.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This thing that you do, where you go on breaking my heart, can you stop?

** MARCH—SOUTH AFRICA **

* * *

* * *

Someone at their hotel possessed a great sense of humour.

He had just returned from the training with others. They decided on a team get together in half an hour. To take stock of their situation and how to move forward from there on. Most of them had opted to take showers before converging in the team room.

He had been avoiding news and social media for his own sanity’s sake. But he wasn’t expecting the ‘complimentary’ newspaper lying on the table along with the basket of refreshments to welcome him back.

Yeah great sense of humour.

His eyes got fixed on the first page. Australia’s Shame the headline ran.

But his focus was grabbed by the picture that was under it. Steve. His boyfriend. His life.

In his weakest moment.

In the same trance his hands picked the paper and with increased heartbeats he read the entire the piece in moments. The paper fluttered out of his hands as he slid into the chair.

He felt the tears ready to fall. He wanted to leave everything and go back to Steve. How could he be here when Steve was suffering so much?

How can he concentrate on doing this when each moment he knows that Steve is suffering, and suffering badly.

How was he supposed to stay here when he heart was in pieces and every moment just wanted to go to Steve.

But what of it. How could he go and face him when he can’t do jack shit to help. When he was burning and Tim can just watch from a distance, hands tied behind.

Ooh how badly he wanted to hear Steve’s voice. To tell him that he was there for him. To ask him how he was doing. To tell him that together they can face it all.

He wondered who was with Steve, helping him when his own boyfriend was on the other side of the world. Not one care in the world to even make a phone call.

He wondered were he to call Steve, would he even pick up. The way Tim had deserted him at his most lowest, why would Steve do so. Why would anyone. You are supposed to be there for them all the time. Not just in select moments.

* * *

He didn’t wanted to come for this but knew he had to. Being captain. Being senior member of the team.

He could see it in some of the faces too. But they were all trying to make an effort and that’s what mattered most at that moment. The effort.

It was tiring just because how awkward it became at times but they all seemed committed to it. They all were ready to put everything behind and start anew.

And knowing how hard they were finding it all, he hoped they can keep it. For the trial would be long and weary.

No one from the coaching or supporting staff was invited so it was easier to talk. They said their good byes after half an hour and moved to go to their rooms.

He stayed till last in case anyone wanted to say or ask anything. No one did. They were all done. More mentally than physically.

Pat was the last one remaining, waiting for Mitch who both thought was going to say something. But in the end nothing came. They all then left one after the other. He spotted Pat and Mitch entering in Pat’s room rather than going in their separate rooms.

At least someone was having a company other than that of drab thoughts. Good for them. He thought and sighed.

* * *

Entering his own room, he saw the paper that he had wanted to crumple and shred and throw in the bin. But No way was he gonna let his emotions run over when such a thing would surely be blown out to the media. He had just folded it the other side up.

He felt his phone ping with a message. Sitting on the bed, he removed his shoes and took out the phone. It was message from his sister.

**Have you talked to Steve? **

Weird, since she herself didn’t wanted him to.

**No. **

he replied.

**You probably should. **

And then

**Have you seen news lately?**

Ohh that’s why. But what was he supposed to talk to Steve about. Did she thought about it?

**I don’t think so.**

**Yes**.

He saw the chat bubble move several time before a message appeared

**Kiddo even a short message would be good enough at this moment. Think about it yeah?**

Ohh wow!

He closed the phone without replying. It was so tempting to just send a hello message to Steve. As suggested. But would that be good enough? Acceptable enough?

His phone pinged again. Ughh elder siblings. Rolling his eyes he opened the phone again.

**Why don’t you let him decide if it would be or not.**

Okay she wasn’t supposed to be so wise and understanding.

**Why don’t I just go to sleep and deal with all this when I come back home?**

She would know what he was trying to say.

**That’s ultimately your decision. And so will be of sending a message. Decide for yourself if you want to wait that long though.**

Damn sisters! He knew in that moment before tomorrow he will do what she suggested.

**Good night.**

He would do what she said doesn’t mean he will let her track it all in case everything crashes down royally.

Opening the chat with Steve, his heart missed a beat when he again saw that the last time Steve messaged him, it wasn’t signed off with the usual ‘love ya’. He again wondered why.

How big was his fuck up that Steve in the entire duration of their relationship, for the first time didn’t sign off in his habitual way.

He questioned the wisdom of trying to message Steve. And decided that he should probably take a shower.

An answer might appear to him in the main time.

Before he could drift off, he finally gathered enough wits to shoot a message to Steve.

**Hello**.

Short? Simple? No expectations? Right?? he wondered.

Promptly closing his phone, he tried to sleep. Not just the fact that Steve might not answer there also was the time difference. And whatever time Steve will take before he does decide to answer.

Or not.

* * *

* * *

It is the one message I have been desperately waiting for since that morning a week ago, however much I tried to tell myself not to expect it.

But my hands are shaking and I can’t will myself to pick my phone up and see what it said. I am terrified.

What if it is my worst nightmare?

‘What’s worse that’s gonna happen that hasn’t happened already’ my brain…trying to reason.

It is morbid but I know another thing that will be worse than anything else. A true icing on the top.

What if it’s a break up message from Tim? ‘I can’t do this anymore’, ‘you disgust me’, ‘we should go on our separate ways’…

Suddenly I hear someone calling me and I realise I had zeroed on my phone watching it like it’s gonna explode.

That probably had alerted mum who is looking at me anxiously. My old man just behind her.

“Who is it?” he asks wearily.

We can’t forget my phone exploding with all the hateful and abusive messages and mails. The calls terminating contracts. Calls to ask about the ‘issue’.

It had been a trying few days to them too.

What a fuck up I am. Who does this to their parents? I started mentally berating myself once more.

“Steve…darling”, mum’s questioning tone brings me back into the now.

But before I can answer, dad picks the phone. His reaction tells me what I thought already. They had been waiting for a word from Tim same as I. Maybe even more.

I can’t look him in the eye.

“Darling…you are not gonna get answers if you don’t open it.” mum said again.

“I don’t want to.” I mumble in reply.

She should understand. I can’t. I’m not strong enough.

I hear a sign before my chin is raised to look at her.

Same thing she did whenever I had decided that the boos under my bed didn’t wanted me to sleep there. She would look at me in exasperation before taking me to the room to scare them boos off and letting me sleep in her arms.

I can see some semblance of the same exasperation, I am scared of something that isn’t there. But I can spot the understanding and compassion too.

“Why don’t you take your phone to your room?” she suggests to me softly then.

Good idea, if I break down at least it will be in privacy of my own room.

I nodded before taking my phone from dad and turning to leave.

“Steve… it will be alright.”

He has been saying the same thing since I came back.

With conviction.

Each time.

Disgrace of a son and still no less love for me.

I don’t know what to do except nod a little. How should I tell you dad if this is what I suspect, then nothing will ever be alright. I might live but I won’t be functioning. You can’t if half of you is chopped off.

Even in my room it took me a long time to open the message finally.

It was a simple hello. Nothing else. Nothing. But even then I couldn’t stop my tears. Relief. Sheer relief.

He hadn’t forgotten me. He wasn’t avoiding me. He took time to send a message.

I haven’t lost him completely. He initiated contact after everything.

Relief. And happiness.

But I don’t know what to answer. What should I tell him? That everything is black? That I miss him? Every second. That there has been a lot to deal with without him beside me?

That it all seems so stifling. That I can’t stand it? That I can’t look at myself in the mirror? That I want him beside me? Can he come back and hold me?

And never let go.

But I can’t say any of that. I didn’t want to scare him off if he is still here.

Before I could think of a message to type out and reply though, my phone started ringing. A number I know. ACA.

They had told me they’d keep in touch whenever something came up. I didn’t want to pick. Like all the times before this one. But I have to, that I know for sure.

“Hello…” I decide to get done with the call before getting back to the message from Tim.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look who is on time...this bish!  
leave a comment/kudo/review.  
they will enhance my performance...its the truth


	3. Chapter 3

* * *

** AUSTRALIA— APRIL- JULY **

He had flown back to Hobart instead of Sydney. There was no apparent reason to go there. How could he tell the officials that the reason he wanted to do so was his boyfriend he hasn’t talked to properly in a month?

Nah.

The time he had been back was all occupied with either pressers or meetings of one sort or other. With players or officials. To make this decision or that. To put forward inputs or to discard them.

A sort of relief came yesterday when a few major things were decided upon finally.

It seemed like after an age he got free time.

The dust has settled somewhat after a lot of decisions were taken and changes made.

The reins were given to new people. And new methods of leading the team were implemented with hope that the changes would give positive results eventually.

He had his phone in his hands, chat window with Steve opened. The messages exchanged few and far between since the last month.

He didn’t had the courage to ask even once how was Steve doing. Or if he wanted to talk about anything.

The very first message exchanged after Steve had returned felt awkward and stilted reading even after so many days. Both of them cautious in saying anything unwanted.

The last message he had sent was **I am here**.

After CA had finalised everything.

He couldn’t imagine what Steve was going through knowing he can’t play for one entire year. 365 days of no cricket for someone who lived and breathed it. What was going in his mind?

Even then he didn’t call not knowing what his own reaction would be hearing Steve’s voice. At loss and broken. How was he supposed to calm and comfort him over phone? And not beside him.

The only silver lining in all of it was that Steve’s parents were with him. And of course ACA.

They were keeping him and JL abreast with all that was going on too. But it felt awkward knowing things from someone else and not directly from his own boyfriend.

The phone felt heavy in his hands, few precious moments spent deliberating whether to call or not. In the end he pressed the numbers for Steve’s mum instead.

It was always a welcome to talk to her, her understanding and wisdom made anyone feel better.

The phone rang for a bit before it was picked up. He didn’t had to initiate any awkward hellos. She knew who it was—

“Tim…hello love.”

It’s been some time since he heard her call him that in her sweet lovely voice.

He couldn’t help the emotions thickening his voice.

“Hey.”

“How are you?”

“Shouldn’t I be asking you that ma’am?”

the old ways creeping back in the conversation.

It felt like old times teasing her with the ma’am tag but the situation wasn’t exactly happy.

“Tim…” he could feel the chastening down the line and smiled closing his eyes.

This was better than the other option.

“You didn’t answer me love. How are you holding up?”

The question was repeated then. And he knew he had to answer her.

“I’m good.”

He put as much conviction as he could manage, not wanting her to worry about him as well.

He heard the soft tssking sound from her. She didn’t believed him.

Before she could process that and say anything, he spoke again even though his words were all jumbled and struggled.

“How…how is he…doing? How is he holding up?” The last part came out better.

The answer took a long time to come and dreading what might she be thinking of him, that he can’t ask it from her son…what a stupid sod, he tried to explain his motives.

“I talked with him but…and he doesn’t say much over messages.” And then added in a small voice,

“…and I don’t know how to talk to him. I can’t help him in anyway…”

“I know kid.”

He was cut over in his rambling. He heaved a sigh eyes still closed.

“We think he should see a therapist after everything is sorted out along with all those behavioural class and stuff that ACA and CA wants him to do.”

The tiredness in her voice showed her own struggle with it all.

“Ohh…” releasing a long breath and then, “that’s…that’s good”, he added uselessly.

“Only if he agrees.”

The reply was weary. As if she had this conversation plenty of times already.

This time he didn’t knew what to say. He had no idea such a thing was in discussion, though it felt the right sort of stuff that can help Steve.

“I can talk to him?” he finally offered.

“Ohh…would you?” it was hopefully asked.

“Yeah, surely.”

He didn’t knew who he was pacifying…himself or her? For sure he had no idea how to initiate a conversation like that with Steve.

“That might actually work. He would probably listen to you this time around than us.”

“I’ll make sure that he does.”

Maybe there is something that he can do after all.

“And you take care of yourself too, kid.”

She gently said. Mothers and their love.

“I’ll. You too.”

* * *

It had been a really long time since he had talked to Steve over a phone call.

Hearing Steve’s voice, it was really hard to control the emotions, all he wanted to do was to be near him and hold him close.

It was not fair on him. This separation and anxiety.

And the fact that he can’t express any of it to anyone. Least of all to Steve who already has so much on his plate without adding the issues of his boyfriend.

He tried hard to sound serious and understanding. Didn’t want Steve to get his meaning wrong.

All he needed at the end of the conversation was for Steve to accept the suggestion of counselling therapy.

“Hey babe…”

There aren’t many reasons that he can give for the greeting so thick with emotions.

He just hoped Steve would accept it as it is and talk to him. Now that he had called, he wanted to talk and hear Steve’s voice so badly.

The reply took some time to come, equally chocked with emotions.

“Hi.”

There was a stretch of silence, both of them not knowing what to say.

And he couldn’t help himself then, wanting Steve to not hate him for calling after such a long time, not giving him attention—

“Sorry. I meant to call you long ago…but I didn’t how to…or what to talk…I can’t help in anyway…and that’s….I’m so sorry baby. I don’t know what to do to help you…”

He rambled on, thankfully without crying, before he was cut off by Steve.

“Tim no…no. Please. I understand that. Please don’t apologise. You’ve got nothing to apologise for. It was all me. This is all me. Please nothing’s on you. It’s all good.”

It wasn’t fully reassuring but it was something. At least the phone wasn’t cut off or he wasn’t told that Steve hates him. He will take that.

“How have you been?” Steve asked.

“Ohh…I’m good. I’m good. It’s just the meetings and all…been swamped by them. You know how it is.”

How was he supposed to tell him that his nights are sleepless and his days marred by people asking questions he cannot answer in any satisfactory way, or questions about Steve that make him nearly cry with the helplessness.

“Yeah…good. You should….you are doing a good job. You’ll do a good job of course…”

How hurtful it was that never in their entire relationship they had this stilted and awkward conversation. Not even when they first started dating. There was an easy compatibility that was always between them and now it was gone too.

His heart broke in million pieces. How was he supposed to make everything right. How can he help Steve when there is a giant question mark over their relationship?

He just hoped that he don’t lose Steve over this. Or like this. Not without meeting face to face. Even if for one last time.

“You been in contact with ACA?”

He had to talk Steve around to attend the counselling. After all he promised.

“Yeah, quite regularly. They’ve been very helpful actually.”

“That’s good.”

“You must know about the verdict after all. I’ve told them that I won’t be contesting it.”

“Ohh.”

He didn’t know what to add to that. Because they all well knew nothing will come out of it and might make things worse with CA.

“Mum thinks I should see a counsellor. Probably an idea pitched by ACA…”

“That’s good…no?”

“…yeah…probably…”

There were pauses, as if Steve was not sure what he was talking about.

“You should think about it. If you want to that is?”

He had to encourage, promises aside it could be fruitful getting everything in perspective from a third person. It had helped him in the past.

“I probably will. Just…”

“Just?”

“No. Nothing. Gotta go. Take care. Bye.”

He sat there with the phone in his hand call dropped suddenly, transfixed, hurt, confused-

“Bye. I love you.”

Ohh if only he could have said that to Steve and not to dead tone of a disconnected call.

How was he supposed to make amends when Steve isn’t even talking to him properly?

How have things turned so bad so fast and why to them.

This was his happy place, his safeguard in the storm that his life has been. And now even that’s been taken away.

* * *

No doubt I nearly had a heart attack because of over excitement when his name flashed on my phone screen.

But if I pick what am I supposed to talk about? What can I tell you Tim apart from the misery of our separation?

Or the longing I have to wrap myself in your arms, away from the world, safe and happy like it used to be.

If I pick my love, I will not be able to control myself.

How is that that you are so pure? that you haven’t left me yet? If I pick can I ask you that?

_Eventually the phone was picked up before the last ring. _

It is so difficult talking to you. All I want is for you to be here. Not behind a phone line. To hold me and tell me that everything will be alright. Maybe if you do, I’ll believe.

Your apology come as a wide surprise and I can’t let you complete. How can I? It wasn’t your fault. It is all me. I’ve messed everything. For everyone around me and my boyfriend is apologetic for that? Do I even deserve you Tim?

I can’t talk about anything sensible. It is impossible for me. To not know what is going on in your mind. How am I supposed to continue this conversation?

I cut off the call abruptly when the conversation turns towards the counselling thing. It was stupid to mention it. I could’ve talked about anything but stupid me decided to mention that. What would he be thinking about me now?

And he wanted to continue talking even then I cut off the call. How much can I ruin us? Him? How long can he take this?

The tears were falling already however much I tried to stop them.

Maybe they were right. Maybe I deserve all of this because I broke the trust of the very persons I promised never to hurt. My parents, friends, fans. Tim.

Tim.

Teach me how to live without you before you leave forever.

* * *

The phone in my hand was shaking badly, the video of him getting hit playing on loop. I could feel my heart in my throat. Surely it was two days old video but this was the first time I was watching it.

Blood…so much of it. On him. And then he resumes play as if it was alright. As if he just didn’t got hurt so badly.

I had thrice tried to message or call him but I can’t. I don’t know what I’d talk to him about or ask.

He was hurt and I wasn’t there to take care of him. I have no idea if someone was with him after the play.

If they know that he hates taking pain meds because they make him loopy like his anxiety meds. If someone got him zooper doopers because he would happily eat tonnes of them instead.

I remember last year when Tim got hurt in the ashes. His right hand again. I had went near mad with the anxiety and worry.

I had shadowed him for a week because of the excessive worry. The same right hand hurt again. I remember how he had slept clinging to me the entire week. A kind of terror hovering over both of us- ‘what if this is the end’. It wasn’t though thankfully.

But this- this was worse. Because he was there alone and going by the reports and the chatter, this was probably the last of his stint as ODI captain. How much does CA wants to test him? Take from him?

I yearn to talk to him, to know how he is doing. But somehow it seemed as if it wouldn’t be entertained.

The team news said that he was alright now but that was the physical aspect. What about the mental stuff?

I just hope and pray that JL or someone from the team is keeping an eye on him. Someone taking care of him because I have lost that opportunity. Maybe forever.

Sleep would not come today I was sure, so I left the bed. Maybe a cup of cocoa would help.

It doesn’t. Who was I kidding? There’s only one way that could’ve helped. If he made it.

I feel drained and tired. A perpetual feeling now. The starry sky outside felt so attractive and peaceful. Unlike the turmoil inside me. I should get used to this. There is no peace for me.


	4. Chapter 4

* * *

** Australia- September-October **

** **

He didn’t wanted to get up from the bed. Recently it had been getting difficult, keeping with daily routine. He knew he was spiraling but there was no will in him to do anything about it.

They had been given some time out before the start of the next series in UAE. His calendar said that he will be joining the team for practice camp from Sunday.

His mind and body were asking otherwise. But he knew nothing will come out of it. It wasn’t as if he can ask for some off days because he is depressed being separated from his boyfriend.

The glaring big post-it on the mirror of the bathroom said that he has an appointment with his therapist- two days late now.

There was no will in him to do that either. He planned to fill out his prescription from OTC meds. And not tell his sister.

This morning too, like every other morning, like an old habit his hands went for the mobile. Blindly opening the chat with Steve. There wasn’t any new message. He knew that but it hurt anyway. The last messages were weeks old now. The generic hi’s and how are you’s. Nothing after that.

Not even when he was hurt in England. He had waited for something. But it didn’t came. No message, no call. He had wondered if Steve simply didn’t knew.

But it has been months now. There were the ‘hello’s’ and ‘how have you been’s’ but never once about the bloody blow he got.

Doesn’t he care? Was what that has been in his mind multiple times since then. He remembered how Steve went near mad when he had hurt his hand last Ashes. Or the times before that. His presence- a strong support and backing for him. But all the while in England he waited and nothing came. It felt like another blow, an internal one, but no less intense and hurtful.

He scrolled the chat to months back, to last time Steve told him that he loved him. It’s been fucking months since that. Months in which he hasn’t heard those four words from his boyfriend.

Steve.

_Say you love me one more time before you leave me. Even if just once. _

* * *

They knew that the conditions will be hard there was no question about that. But loosing by that big a margin still hurt like a bitch.

This was not going well for him at all. This captaincy stint. It was just a two match series. And they lost one match by more than three hundred runs.

They can tell the press that they are a settling team but they knew it was no excuse. They were able to draw the first one but lost this one.

Someone said that there seemed a lack of effort from the team. That was not true either, at all. He knew that everyone was trying their best. But maybe it was true that they were a settling team.

They were all trying to find their footing around each other. Hopefully it wouldn’t get repeated.

But the biggest test for them all would be the visiting Indian team. Especially his. The team currently on their best form, ranked first in the world. It has already made him nearly insomniac.

There were still a long time for him to prepare for them. And no doubt others will also work their asses off.

But they don’t have the window of making any more mistakes. He just hoped that Indian team’s streak of not winning down under remains that way this time around too.

* * *

He had come back home after the Pakistan series and the others were now busy in the limited over games.

JL was of the opinion that he can utilise this time free of captaincy duties to focus on his game. He was trying his hard to. The days get spent sweating it out in the nets or the gym.

The nights though have become unbearably hard. Sleep eluding him more and more, thoughts circling back to just one person and his absence. Cold, hard, and unbearable.

This morning was the same- get up after some herculean effort, get ready, forget breakfast, sweat it in the nets, sweat it in the gym, and come home to an empty house.

He had some messages from Steve after a long silence. Still the formal hi’s and hellos, but even that was something for him. Though it hurt that they were so formal and detached in nature, but at least they have increased in their frequency. At least that’s what it felt like to him when he got them after so long.

It felt as if the counselling did help Steve. He would take this if it meant that Steve was in better place. This separation, helplessness, and anxiety all of it. He just wanted Steve to forget everything and be in a better place.

But what to do with the guilt that’s wrapped around his heart and mind since so long. If he tells anyone about it, they all will say that he shouldn’t be feeling guilty because nothing was in his hands.

In fact JL has been indirectly saying such things to him. But he was helpless here. How to tell his heart not to feel the guilt when he didn’t do shit to help Steve. When he battled and is battling the worst time of his life all alone, surrounded by only a few except his own boyfriend.

When the said boyfriend only got time to talk over messages and sparse calls. When the said boyfriend didn’t have the guts to visit him, be near him, or help him.

Lost in thoughts, he didn’t realised that the cold beer he had meant to drink turned warm. Sighing he got up, drained the beer in the sink and threw the bottle. It was lost cause anyway. He didn’t liked this brand but bought the cartoon on habit because Steve liked it.

He had probably only drank one from it. And promptly thrown up after. But he did sit with a bottle some nights.

_‘Look babe, here’s raising one in the memory of the life I had with you.’_

Before finally sleeping, he checked his phone once again. The eternal hopeful heart. But the last message was still two days old.

He suddenly let out a weary and tired chuckle in the dead of the house. What was that line his sister used to recite-?

‘This is how the world ends, not with a bang but a whimper.’ Something like that…

Yes. How apt for him. This was his world ending in whimper. Slowly and silently. One day the messages will stop coming too and that will be that of it all.

A life imagined, lived, and then shattered and broken away.

* * *

* * *

Maybe this shouldn’t be a surprise but it felt like one nonetheless. I had been in contact with a few players. Friends. They did check in with me regularly. But somehow this message felt a bit weird.

It was Pat. We have talked a bit when I had sent out that good luck to some of the team members including Tim. But nothing after that.

I was right. Fucking so right. The conversation was wrong. So, so wrong.

He wanted to talk about Tim. Or tell about. JL and he were concerned because Tim has been using his meds regularly now. I could feel the bile in my throat.

Why didn’t it ever cross my mind? That that was his last resort without me there. I never asked him how he was doing.

It was always him checking up on me. And I a supreme ass of a boyfriend was happy that he was still there for me. Telling my counselor that there was probably nothing to worry about in that regard.

**I’ll talk to him.**

I had messaged Pat, trying to think of ways to talk to him- on phone or in person. Go there. To him. To talk. To seek forgiveness. To be with him.

That was two days ago and I still haven’t come up with a concrete plan. Though each passing moment is making me more miserable and anxious for him.

A thought appears in my mind- if the situation was reversed what would he do? And without a doubt I knew. He will come to me in a heartbeat.

That man caught the next flight over when in my feverish haze I complained to him that I missed him and didn’t left my side till I was completely fine and ready to throw him out.

My decision made, I picked up my phone to book my ticket. I don’t know what would come of it but I’m going there. Even if he hates me and wants to never see me again, at least I will have it on my face instead of over a phone or message. And I’ll be able to apologise to him.

Even if I come back from there empty handed and empty life, I’ll be able to make my peace with it.

Maybe.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They meet and TALK! Finally.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been travelling for work without net so sorry for the late update. I'll try to post another chapter soon.  
Enjoy!

* * *

** AUSTRALIA  ** ** — NOVEMBER **

I entered the house…my home...our home, with habitual ease and hanged the keys on the key hook beside the door.

I remember when Tim had nailed it there specifically ‘because you need to put the keys in a proper place Steve, to find them easily’, remember us bickering about it and rolling my eyes and making silly faces at him for being so ‘proper!’

My feet decline to move forward knowing the memories scattered at every corner. This was a bad idea no matter what Pat or JL said. I can feel the same cold sadness enveloping the place that was in my heart. What have I done to us!

Even with that thought, I still drag myself inside just to see this place (our place, my mind supplied unhelpfully) one more time-- not knowing when or if I ever will be back.

I spotted it almost immediately. The frame was on the wall shelf beside my favourite books and like a puppet on a string I moved towards it in a trance.

Picking it up, I give an involuntary smile, this is definitely one of my favourite photos of us together. Clearing the layer of dust on it, I felt a bit lost. It felt as if he didn’t cared about this photo, leaving it as is, collecting dust. Something forgotten and uncared for.

This picture he took probably a week before were were due to fly for the cursed SA tour. I was hugging Tim like a limpet as usual, eyes nearly closed with laughter.

We were looking carefree and happy, like people in love.

My face was dripping with glee since moments before I had tried to tickle fight him for remote before he managed to tackle me down.

I couldn’t remember what it was specifically that had made me laugh so heartily. Must have been something really, really good though Tim never had to do anything over the top to make me happy.

This photo of us was in happy times together, not knowing the shit storm that was to come, the heartbreak, the pain, the separation that was going to hit us. Not knowing the impending chasm that will open in our relationship.

My tired lungs heaved a sigh before I put the frame down suspended there for a few seconds more, trying to preserve the happy memories.

I couldn’t spot any other changes subtle or glaring. Just my old t-shirt hanging on the back of the sofa, one sleeve half in and half out. As if someone just threw it there in a hurry or frustration.

The sudden change in the static of the room startled me and without turning I knew who I will come across to. My body and mind anchored to Tim forever. Able to single him out even in a crowd and this was our own place.

Damn…I am not ready for this.

It felt as if the time stopped. Two people suspended, waiting for something to happen but not knowing what.

“Tim…”, my voice hitched taking his name but I braved on-

“…hi…hello…”

I turned at last to look at Tim. And my heart lurched in fact my entire body was thrumming with the need to touch and hug him immediately but try as I might I couldn’t move forward, stuck in that moment looking at him—transfixed.

How long has it been since I saw him in flesh and blood? A few months!

Never happened before in our entire relationship. One of us would get emotional enough to visit the other.

I keep looking at Tim, trying to take my fill. He appeared as if he was burdened with the entire world. There was a tiredness around him, body unconsciously sloped, dark circles around his eyes, belying the fact that he wasn’t sleeping properly.

He was standing by the entrance, gym bag dropped, eyes fixed on me as if he was seeing something unbelievable.

* * *

Until the moment he saw Steve, he not for one moment thought or felt another presence. He was mentally tired because of the slew of meeting he had to attend today after practice.

Coming home in anyway wasn’t a big event these days. The same cold hard loneliness was there also. Not a welcoming presence of someone he loved, and craved for.

Not today though.

And suddenly he realised why Wade was looking funny at him. He had just though that there was internal joke going on which he wasn’t privy to. No, it was probably because he knew Steve was here. Obviously.

Steve looked better…for lack of a proper word.

The last time Tim was with him he looked like a bruised and battered rag doll. He belatedly noticed the determined look in Steve’s eyes. He didn’t knew whether this night was going to end on a positive or a negative note going on with that look.

“Tim…,” this time the voice was less loaded with emotions and more clear.

“Come sit down please.” And after a moment a mumbled add on-

“Shouldn’t have to tell you that.”

Again the uncertainty creeping up in Steve’s voice.

“Please.” This was begging in one word, pure and simple.

Steve begging him outside the bedroom? Against all his better judgement, he wanted to know why. So he willed his body to move.

Trying not to stumble on the way, he made way to sit in his usual spot on the sofa. He remembered how everyone made fun of him because the cushions had grounded in his body shape.

Yet he never had the nerve to tell them it was because Steve more often than not had to stick to him like a koala. Whether sitting in his lap or full body hugging him like magnet.

He just had to as he claimed and even though Tim tried many a times to dissuade him, it never worked. Steve cuddled to him at any given opportunity. It wasn’t as if he minded really anyway. Whatever made Steve happy, made him happy too.

The grooves in the cushion fit like home. And he suddenly felt the impending anxiety attack because of the emotional overload his mind was trying to process in such a short amount of time.

He wondered whether Steve would help him like always if he lost his shit tonight, or won’t be there for him like he wasn’t there for Steve after what happened in South Africa.

Sitting beside him Steve put a glass of water on the coffee table. It was fuller with ice cubes then water. He definitely remembered Tim’s affinity with ice. He felt Steve turning and sitting sideways facing him.

“You started your meds again.”

Oh yeah way to be straight and confusing at the same time Steve. Though he didn’t knew why he sounded disappointed, in what or who. But he nodded anyway.

Steve always knew whether Tim told him or not, whatever was going on even before Tim would realise that himself.

Steve would know and be there.

“You never told me”, Steve continued.

Oh so he was disappointed because of that.

“Yeah didn’t get the…yeah… I…ummm”, he tried to answer albeit incoherent.

“God damn it Tim…” He was not ready for the outburst.

“Why wouldn’t you tell me?”

The anger was gone as soon as it had come like a suddenly burst balloon. Steve was looking at him with questioning and hurt eyes.

“Babe you were dealing with your own shit. And I had other things to focus upon, it just never came up. Alright…it is not a big deal”, he tried to reason.

“But I am supposed to help you Tim! I’m supposed to be there for you.”

Steve replied in a broken voice like he was hurting too much.

“Like I was there for you these past months?”

He answered in a pesky manner. His self-hate practically dancing naked in front of them.

“Yes of course…! no wait what do you mean?”

Trust his boyfriend to pick up on his undertones and unravel the whole conversation

“How many times have I been there for you Steve in these past months? How many times have I talked to you properly without interruptions? How many times did I saw you Steve?? I wasn’t there when I should have been…when I wanted to be!!”

He was breathing hard now and his voice was getting lower. “You had to deal with everything all alone! That was important. This was…”

mfhphff…

Suddenly Steve’s hand was covering his mouth quite forcefully and his eyes were flaming.

“Don’t you dare complete that sentence...dammit…”

He removed his hands and started again, “I didn’t know… no... no…no...”

He saw Steve mumbling and fidgeting for few seconds before focusing back on him.

“Want to know what kept me going all these months? apart from my folks, the counselling, and the help from friends?”

He just kept looking at him blankly.

“You!!” Steve huffed before continuing animatedly. “You say you weren’t there to help...”

“…don’t interrupt.” He got a glare for his attempt to counter Steve’s claim which snapped his mouth shut immediately.

His fingers were shaking minutely and the unwanted emotional roller coaster ride was evident now physically too. He felt as if these past many minutes he was churned into a grinder and spewed out.

He didn’t want to face anything Steve had to say without having a bit of composure back in him. He tried to stop the shaking by starting those breathing exercises his therapist taught him all those years back.

‘everything is alright…....breath in

…even if they are not they will be….…breath out

…you have the power to do so…..…breathe in

...you can ask for help…….breathe out...

you are allowed to…….breathe in…

your problem is not a burden…….breathe out…

the problem looks like a dinosaur but it’s just a...

He felt someone hold his hand flat out and opened his eyes to look into Steve’s eyes. They were so mesmerising…still so full of love and compassion, he hoped directed at him only. He wondered for how long will he be allowed to…

“Tim.” this time Steve’s tone was sharp enough to make him try and focus on whatever Steve was saying.

And like a slow-mo roll he saw Steve slide closer, take his hand and put it on his own heart through his open shirt.

He realised after a moment how doing this always helped him and how desperately he craved this so many times in last few months.

He kept looking at their interlocked hands on Steve’s chest with intense focus, so it took a few minutes for him to register the hand softly caressing his face. But then he couldn’t help the whimper that left him and the way his head tilted to rest on Steve’s hand on its own accord.

A bit later he felt Steve remove his hands gently. His eyes snapped open and his heartbeat started picking up… ‘was this it then…the end…moments respite and it was back to where…’

“Shhh… Tim…hey…sweetheart look at me”.

He felt how forcefully Steve had grabbed his hand to focus his attention. He had picked the glass from the table and had brought it near to his lips. He could see the ice cubes turning smaller and the condensation on the glass, the small drops sliding slowly downwards.

“Just drink a bit sweetheart”,

he had to shake his head a bit to listen to what Steve was saying to him.

Slowly he tried to catch the glass but even he knew that it will fall but before that could happen Steve’s other hand came around to hold it from the other side, then taking hold of his hands and helping him take few small sips.

He remembered the always repeated instruction of ‘take small sips, and slowdown Tim I’m not going anywhere…’

He felt Steve take the glass back from his limp hold and slide it down back on the table.

He put his hands in his lap and saw the minute tremors in them, not knowing anything anymore, he kept looking at them.

“You were there you know,”

so Steve was not done. He started talking again.

Tim felt Steve’s hands touching his face like a reverent, slowly and softly.

“…even if you may not feel like it”, he continued in the same soft tone he used whenever he was feeling exasperated over Tim’s antics, full of love and annoyance both.

Not knowing what to do, he tried to smile but he knew how flat that fell and going by Steve’s pained facial expressions he failed royally. He was on the brink of crashing and Steve probably saw that too.

“Yeah I know we didn’t talk regularly but I knew you were there. It was never a question sweetheart. You contacted me after everything. You kept contact with me when I wasn’t expecting.”

Taking a deep breath, he kept talking,

“My therapist made me realise I didn’t need you to hold my fingers through all this mess. It was a mess I had to wade through and bear by myself. Something I had to cleans off myself and come out of it. But I knew that you were just a message or a call away. It had helped knowing that.”

This time Steve’s smile was more open.

Tim didn’t know what to say, Steve putting everything so simply for him—these past months’ hurt, the guilt, the worries he tried to hide from Steve, nowhere to be found in Steve’s conversation. There was no judgement but only love for Tim.

He tried to say something but again was stopped,

“I know babe.”

The hands caressing his face turned it to face Steve. Trust his superhuman of a boyfriend to hold a conversation with Tim needing not to talk.

“I know and I understand.” Steve added again.

“I…you know…no…I wanted to when…I…”, he tried to string a few sentences together but his mind and emotions were not helping him.

Suddenly Steve was closer to him than before. The hand holding Tim’s own raised it and Steve softly kissed his knuckles. It was his right hand too, the one he always hated for failing him so. He kept staring at the way Steve was affectionately holding it.

“Every message, every call however short, made me aware that you weren’t quitting on me. Or going away from me anywhere. That was one certainty in all that fuckery that had kept me moving forward.”

Steve wasn’t finished talking and Tim was trying his darndest to at least emote something or say something back but he still didn’t knew what or how to.

Suddenly all those emotions that were boiling inside him tried to come out at once and he was wrecking sobs and ugly crying within seconds. He felt Steve move swiftly and hold him.

He got reminded of the time when he again had hurt his hand and was no more deemed selectable for the national side, how that night too Steve had held him while he had cried his eyes out. He didn’t know for how long he kept crying while clutching to Steve like a man drowning in a tumultuous sea.

Tim was pretty sure though that Steve was mumbling nonsense while rocking him gently but some of what he could make was a litany of ‘love yous’ and ‘it will be alright’.

He tried to focus on those four words again and again to help him back out into a sensible world.

After what felt like hours his body decided that the quota for crying was reached for that evening. His sobs turned into sniffles, he still was hiding his face in Steve’s chest. He sensed Steve stroking his back in circular motion trying to calm and soothe him.

Tim heard a light “hey” from Steve. And he probably wasn’t all calm but was listening now, perhaps more clearly then he was listening earlier.

“Do you want me to bring you some cold water?”

Steve inquired, but instead of saying yes or no his hand on their own volition griped Steve more forcefully as if his mind was afraid that if he let go then Steve will vanish from his life…suddenly…like back in South Africa.

“If you won’t let me go, do you want to come with me then because I think you need to rehydrate.”

He spoke after holding Tim back to himself in response.

Steve knew what to do, having experienced his anxiety attacks many a times in the past, and how to. He still shook his head in no. He didn’t want to move from the embrace, from this respite that he got after so many months.

He heard Steve say in a calming tone, “we are not going anywhere tonight. We still have a lot to talk about but I want you to drink something. Let’s go to the bedroom and I’ll get you some water.”

Steve’s hands resting on his back were still moving in a soothing manner, the way he knew calmed Tim.

This probably was as much for Steve’s sake as it was for his. Taking some time to compose himself he detached his face from Steve’s body and looked up into his boyfriends face.

And wondered if the amount of love that he could always detect there was the same. He had missed seeing that open display of love for himself constantly.

Steve helped him stand up since his body was feeling like a big cup of jelly, having no sense of how to move which body part. He clung to Steve in the same manner Steve always did with him…what a role reversal.

They moved through the kitchen to the bedroom picking a bottle of water and a bar of chocolate.

He stopped on the threshold of the bedroom hit by emotions and memories.

Steve turned his head towards himself gently and kissed his forehead,

“I am here sweetheart, not going anywhere and neither are you. And everything will be alright from now on. I can promise you that.”

Deciding to believe his boyfriend for now, he slowly moved inside after Steve and sat on his side of the bed. Steve put the bottle and the chocolate on the dresser beside the bed and turned back to him as they were still holding hands. Not once had he tried to free it back.

“Do you want to change?”

Steve asked him and when he nodded in affirmative, with the same efficiency that Steve always showed in undressing him, moved to remove his dress shirt with one hand.

Ultimately they had to let go of each other so that his sleeve could be freed. Steve put his shirt on the chair and picked a T-shirt that he was sure was Steve’s old one and help him get into it.

After that Steve indicated him to move up the bed and sit and he came to sit behind him, taking him back into his embrace. This has been Tim’s role always and Steve was doing it.

“Do you really believe that?” Tim asked after a few moments, in a timid tone.

“Yes.” The reply was as sure as it was simple.

Steve continued after a bit,

“But you don’t have to go into the logistics of it right now. Just have to believe me. That what I feel is you were there and that you did not left to fend for myself me as you seem to think…”

He seized the hand that was caressing the fingers of his injured hand and raised it to his face to kiss the palm.

For now, for this evening he would leave everything to Steve if that’s what Steve wants.

“But I am more sorry and disappointed in myself for not knowing or even thinking how this was all eating you up before Pat drove my attention to it… just listen love…” Steve thwarted his attempt to interrupt once more before continuing.

“Pat told me how he suspected you’ve had started taking your meds more frequently in the Pakistan series which alerted him and JL too that you probably ware not coping as well as you had them all believe.”

He Steve heave a sigh before continuing,

“It hurts me to think that even though I had my own things to deal with, I forgot how this all was hurting you too!”

“Babe I am not blaming you. For anything. You know how my mind works sometime.” Finally he was able to put together some words sensibly.

“Yes and that’s the reason! I know how your mind works and still I thought that you are dealing with it all so well. How pathetic do you thing does that makes me feel? It’s just not you Tim who is feeling bad for not being there.”

“So we are both feeling sorry, and we are both stupid. Should we just move on from this then?”

He tried to lighten the mood but he knew that this conversation would come up in detail again, not tonight but soon enough.

“Yes for tonight we move on. But after this series you and I have to sit and talk, and you are going back to see your therapist. Not soon but whenever you are ready.” Steve replied.

Bingo Tim, you called it. He smiled inwardly with how well he knows his boyfriend and what his moves would be.

He nodded his head in positive and tried to cuddle with Steve more closely. His body and mind couldn’t have enough of being close to Steve.

“Hey you should drink some water and eat this chocolate because I know you haven’t had any dinner.” Steve brought his attention back to the room.

“So you got spies on me in the team?” he enquired jokingly because he now know the person who had been sending Steve SOS on him recently.

“Yeah, something like that.”

Steve answered with mirth and helped him sit up.

Having got a dose of dopamine he smiled to Steve in what felt like first time this evening genuinely.

He got his favourite smile back, Steve’s eyes crinkling around the corner and the delight evident on his face.

“We should sleep”, Steve said,

“You have training in the morning. I want to wake up early and cook you breakfast.”

“You do?” he asked in wonder.

“Yes of course.” came the reply so sure again.

“Okay.” He replied.

But then he was slightly unsure of where they were going tonight with all of this handholding and sleeping together in bed.

But Steve didn’t need him to talk in proper sentences to help him.

“Just sleep Tim. I’ll get you pajamas to change into.” 

Steve kissed the tip of his nose before coming back within a few seconds with his old pajama bottoms and then proceeded to help his jelly fingers remove his jeans and change into them.

They lied down and Steve put Tim’s hand back on his heart mirroring what they did on the sofa in the hall.

He realised Steve was regulating his breath to help him .He didn’t say anything but he knew that for a better part of the night his hands will remain on Steve’s chest and even if they move sometime in the night, they’d no doubt go back.

He tried to focus on the rhythm and sound of Steve’s beating heart, the sound bite that he loved the most in the world. More than the sound of a ball landing in his gloves with a thwack.

Sleep came to him swiftly and suddenly after that, unlike the past few months when he couldn’t sleep for more than few minutes at a time. His sleep schedule becoming more and more erratic. The cold and empty other side of his bed not helping at all, his body and mind not being habitual of that emptiness.

This was better.

* * *

I realise that Tim slept within moments after lights were switched off. I knew this always help him in sleeping but he didn’t knew that he was so sleep deprived that it’d take just moments for him to sleep.

I kept on moving my fingers in his hair, my own body was not ready to leave the touching reassurances, so deprived it had been for Tim.

The tears were on the brink of my eyes but I knew any changes in my heartbeat, and Tim would be wide awake to know what was going on so I tried my hardest to keep my breathing regulated and told my mind to be emotional tomorrow after seeing him off.

Mind still reeling with all that had happened this evening after Tim came home. His crash that reminded me of darker days I never wanted Tim to relive again. How many times in the past months did he had to brace this alone by himself.

How was I supposed to forgive myself for looking over the fact that whatever had happened in South Africa would have had hurt and hit Tim harder than anyone else in the entire Australian setup.

How could I forget that my boyfriend didn’t talk or share his emotions easily even with me. That he was dependent on me many a times to understand what was going on in his mind because he himself was not able to understand.

Maybe JL was right that what had happened and happened. Now was not the time to think back on ifs and buts but to help Tim. Most importantly he needed my presence in his life on a constant basis now for the reassurances.

I was thankful to both Pat and JL for doing this when I was certain that I didn’t have any allies in the team, leaving Tim in a shit storm that was mostly my own making.

Before drifting off to sleep, I reasserted my promise to myself, everything else can take a back seat, taking care of Tim was my first and foremost priority.

I just hoped I’ll be able to do this.

Tonight for the first time in many months we will both sleep peacefully, in each other’s arms. Where we belong.

* * *

He woke up with a strange feeling. He was covered with a sheet, the bed around him warm. Unlike the continuous cold absence since last many months.

And then he remembered. Remembered last night. And the unexpected arrival of Steve. And everything else. It was a shock. And relief, with happiness. They still have a lot to talk and come clear about.

Especially their stupid lack of clear communication. Which shouldn’t have happened. But it did and probably can’t be blamed on anything. The situation out of which it stemmed was not a regular thing.

Hopefully though, they can move forward now and never have to face such a thing again. He was sure that they will try and avoid being stupid and also communicate clearly.

He was startled out of his musing when he heard banging of a pan in the kitchen and laughed heartily remembering Steve’s promise of cooking him breakfast.

He left the bed to intervene before Steve got to burning down their kitchen. That man did not knew how cook anything else except eggs and toasting bread.

And going by the sounds in the kitchens he was definitely struggling with that too.

“I didn’t mean to wake you up…”

He met Steve on the doorstep of the bedroom, who probably was coming to check up on him after creating that ruckus.

“Please tell me you haven’t banged up my favourite pan?”

He teased Steve affectionately. It felt good doing this after such a long time.

“Tim! No I haven’t.” Steve rolled his eyes in response, “you, and your pans.”

He moved and hugged Tim, like old times. Always touching and holding.

“What are you trying to do anyway? You can’t burn our kitchen.”

“Cooking you breakfast.”

He replied matter of factly, as if this was something he had been doing since ages.

“You don’t know how to cook?’

Looking down at Steve’s face, he put that as question, trying to understand.

“I learned a bit. My counsellor said I should try focusing my mind on something else too. Also I wanted to know why you like it so much.”

This time Steve replied in a shy tone.

“Ohh.”

This was something.

“So I learned a bit. Mind it just a bit. I can’t do anything fancy like you but I can make you breakfast. So no I am not gonna burn the kitchen in the process.”

Steve finished with a sarcastic smile, laughter behind it evident.

“If you’re sure. Otherwise I’ll love to cook for us anyway.”

He offered albeit a bit loosely. He wanted to see what Steve was going to do.

“Yeah you can do that tonight. Now go get ready.”

He was pushed back into the bedroom with a chaste kiss.

Smiling like a man who just won a billion bucks, he hoped that change in their times remains positive. For they both have gotten enough hurt to suffice a life time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave a review. cheers


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised another update.   
(actually I'm trying to distract myself from the fact that I'm working on a holiday though from home, but things are hectic!)
> 
> ENJOY!!! And Merry Christmas folks, please hold back on the Sherry...lol

* * *

** Australia- December- February **

** **

I hope to move past our heart ache and suffering, better and closer to each other than before. Learning a thing or two which were obvious but needed to be reminded.

It had hurt to see him in pain and understanding that I was the reason of it all, no matter what my counsellor said. Everything aside, every mistake, every stupidity, this weighed more heavily. Knowing that I could’ve prevented it all only if I hadn’t assumed anything and talked to him. I could’ve saved him from suffering so much past these months.

It makes me feel a lot stupid too that I assumed he would leave me even though I knew the kind of person that he is. I thought he would leave me in time of adversity even when he promised ‘for better or worse’ a long time ago.

My counsellor did say that it was understandable that I’d assume everyone’d leave me but somehow that doesn’t satisfy me. I could’ve assumed about everyone else and it wouldn’t have been such a colossal mistake except in Tim’s case.

A stupid assumption and I’ve put us both in so much misery. I probably could seek forgiveness for all of my life and it wouldn’t be enough. Knowing him though, he would say that there isn’t anything to forgive. That man has been berating himself for the things that were my fault to bear.

Ohh Tim how could I ever repay you for your unmoving faith in me.

The only thing that remains for me to do is to try and repair our relationship, or rather start back. Better than before. Stay with him and never leave. The place beside him is mine and I’d do everything in my might to stake my claim at it and never relent!

I have a plan to stay with him until I get called for any commitment from CA or ACA, which I don’t assume would happen given that I had just played some club cricket. So I have the period of Christmas and New Year to spend together with him.

With a roadblock of the touring Indian side. Which will mean that I’ll have to travel with him if I want to be with him. Away from the eyes of the media and presser because obviously I can’t be seen with the team. No matter the fact that my boyfriend is captaining the said team.

And add to that the fact that the team absolutely needs to win this series, and I’m sure that they will. It just bothers me to see him so stressed. I probably was the same or maybe worse, if Tim’s own words are to be remembered. But today was the first time I saw him as Tim the captain of the Aussie team rather than Tim, my boyfriend.

He hadn’t even left the home and he was already getting calls about this or that because there is just two more days before he has to go and join the team in practice.

Two days to live with him at home before finally making my decision of whether to travel with him or not. Which I probably wouldn’t be able to do.

But firstly I want to spend these two days with him away from everything else before he goes on and takes up his responsibilities. Though the stress of the upcoming days won’t be going anywhere, at least they would be spent inside our own place.

I still got time to kill before he comes back home, which means I can go for a grocery run. Thankfully his usual place was owned by a lady who didn’t liked to talk otherwise the sighting of the disgraced captain anywhere near here would be a big headline.

Before I could leave though, I heard someone entering through the front door. Hoping that it was him, I went to check, it’d be better to go out with him, even if just to the local shop.

“Hey. You’re back earl…”

No. no, please, no. I can’t face her. I’m still too raw from last night and in no position to face her, knowing that whatever hatred and judgment she has for me is totally justified.

“Well you’re not the person I was hoping to see. Or expected to see either.”

Same Jen.

“Hi, Steve.”

Sighing I greeted back, not meeting her eyes. I wished Tim could come back for real because I have no strength to really face her.

“I didn’t knew you were coming.”

She said, walking towards the sofa and settling down. It was feat of the entire family talking like that when they wanted to make someone uncomfortable.

I had been on the receiving end of her deadpan sarcasm far too many times, never knowing whether she was serious or not. Same as now.

I decide to brace anyway and just speak plainly.

“It was a last moment decision.” The thing is no matter what, I’m a bit intimidated by her. Respect the family of your other half, no? Or just the sisters.

“Ohh…I see.”

She was looking at me assessing and wondering, don’t know what’s going on in that brain of hers. Ughh. Tim be back already!

“How have you been?”

“Umm what?”

Well I wasn’t expecting her to ask after me suddenly. Or at all. Talk about being uncomfortable.

  
“I’m good?” way to go Steve! Why would you put that as question, huh.’

“That’s good. You are gonna stay?”

“Yes…”

The accusations or hatred I’ve been waiting for didn’t came still. But I’ve braced myself for it anyway. I deserve it after all.

“Okay then. I should be going if you are here and planning to stay. I had come to check up on him before he leaves, that’s all.”

I had no answer to that because I didn’t knew how to respond to her. I’ve been waiting for her to do something what most other people have done since April and yet nothing came.

“Steve..?”

I realised I had zoned out again.

  
  


“Yeah…Sorry. You are going? I mean wouldn’t you stay to meet him. He might just be on his way back?”

What am I doing?? Fuck! what if she stays and we have a blow up, I wondered and berated myself internally.

“No, I’ll see him later. Or just talk. Now that you are here I hope everything will be alright.”

“Huh…” I couldn’t hide my surprise, neither at words nor at her actions.

I saw her arch an eyebrow at me, smiling slightly. Taking full joy in my discomfort.

“Just that…”

“Mate I’m not gonna spew obscenities at you if that what you’re expecting.”

  
And my lack of answer was probably answer enough.

“Steve…what happened had happened. Okay. And I know a lot about politics and how organizations works. Not to say that what happened back in March was anything good but we know that you were made to bear the brunt of it all to make an example. And believe me I don’t envy you or the others that.”

“In fact to be fair I feel sorry for you. Anyway, my point is, now that you’re here and have clearly put a lot of it behind I hope that you stay and care for my brother. Because to be honest with you, you’re probably the only one he would allow that. And I envy you for that.”

I kept looking at her stupidly. I always liked her wisdom beyond age way but I didn’t expected her to understand things so well. More than some of my own friends. But after all she is Tim’s sister, she would.

“Take care of him Steve, it had been very hard few months and they have taken a toll on him.”

“Of course. That’s why I am here… I intend to do that only.”

I tried to assure her with chocked voice. I didn’t expect so much understanding from people and yet I’m getting it from all sort of persons.

“Take care of yourself too. It wouldn’t do good otherwise.”

She patted my back before getting up and leaving by herself. I didn’t even asked her for coffee! I am in no position to either.

My emotions have hay wired. Never let it be said that the Paines don’t know how to unsettle someone.

I shook myself and left the chair to get some water. I didn’t want Tim to come back with me like this.

No way I’m worrying him about anything ever again.

* * *

He had Steve lying in his arms, both sleepy but not willing to sleep. This respite that they got after so many months, they wanted to soak as much as possible in the short amount of time they had before he had to leave.

He would love to have Steve accompany him on the tour, given the intensity of it but it was an impossible scenario. So they will have to do with phone calls and messages.

He had been tracing random patterns on Steve’s back, the man himself was tucked in his chest, silent. They had decided that Steve would stay here at home obviously and after the second match, he will come back for Christmas and then probably they can spend the New Year’s Eve in Sydney given that the last match was scheduled there.

“Tim…”

Steve raised his hands to touch his face lovingly, his eyes shining with love for his man.

“Yeah…Babe..?”

“Umm…Jen was here today.”

He said in a small voice, full of kind of wonder that he probably only reserved for her because of the intimidation.

“Ohh…Why? She doesn’t know...”

He was interrupted by Steve.

“Oh no, she was here to see you. She was worried.”

This time Steve didn’t looked at him, the hand was still caressing his face though, but voice breaking a little.

He didn’t knew what to say. It was true, he knew how worried his family had become recently, given the way they all kept checking in regularly, especially his sister...

“I’m so sorry Tim!”

Suddenly Steve hugged him forcefully and started shaking in his arms, the words muffled in his chest.

Shit, they were happy just moments before now he doesn’t know what to do to console Steve.

“Tim…I didn’t wanted all this believe me. I never wanted to hurt you. I can never hurt you. I wasn’t aware that’s all. I would never knowingly do anything to harm you or others. You have to…bbe…believe me…”

‘Shh…Steve…babe…Steve… please I know that please. You don’t have to explain that.”

But he still kept crying, and he realised that probably Steve needed the cathartic crying. So he just hugged him closer and let him cry. Anyway he needed time to arrange his thoughts for a bit.

Steve quieted down after a few minutes.

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to…”

“Uhm it’s alright, you can use me to rub your snot anytime. Things one does for love.”

He dramatically said before handing Steve some tissue papers from the box.

Thank goodness that that made Steve smile involuntarily.

He raised Steve’s face towards himself, wanting his attention.

“I’m not blaming you for anything and that you should always, always remember, okay? I’d Never. I know what happened babe and how. I know that we can probably never say it openly but the CA did you all dirty, taking revenge for a few other things. No, shh…listen alright.”

He stopped Steve from interrupting so that he can get it all from his chest now.

“No one, not one fan, team or player can say that something like that never happened in their team or country alright. Remember that. People can be holier than though as much as they want in the wake of this, but deep down we all know that they really can’t say they are saintly. It just happened that you all copped the wrong end of the stick. And a lot of factors went into that. So let’s leave it to that and never ever think that I will ever think or believe that you did all that knowingly.”

He finished and sighed, after all he had been sitting on it since a long time. Phew

Steve was looking at him shocked eyes and full of tears again.

He smiled a little and dragged his boyfriend to kiss him softly on the lips before doing his bit to clear the tears from his face. He would never ever want Steve to shed tears because of this again.

Steve turned to put his head on Tim’s shoulder, hands clasping Tim’s tightly probably sensing that no words could do enough now so letting his actions speak. To show his gratitude, his love, his appreciation for this man in his life.

* * *

Well the visiting team winning the first match was not the start they wanted or wished for. That too that the Indians did for the first time. But that happened and now they were gearing for the next one, hoping to turn their fortunes around.

It just happened that none of the batters were capable enough to give their bowlers chance to win them the match and that had been the topic of all the meetings now.

And in the back of his mind, and probably of the others too was the thought of their absent team members and how much their presence stabilized the team.

He sighed before taking out his phone and dialing Steve’s number. They had just talked in the morning, but it is never enough with them.

“Calling your boy captain?”

He heard Shaun say, joining him in the lift and just raised his eyebrows in reply.

“How many times do you do that by the way, in one day you know?”

He again asked him, a smirk on the corners of his lips.

Tim just cringed internally, he knew that he probably was getting excessive but he couldn’t stop himself from seeking Steve’s closeness, being so far.

He had just hoped that no one would notice. Which was a bit stupid considering that most of them knew about his relationship, the saving grace was that it was always Steve being the target of their comments.

But this time, he was bearing the brunt of all the sly comments and smirks, they all being more comfortable with each other now.

“You are saying as if you don’t call Becks?”  
  


Instead of answering Shaun, he put his mobile back and asked his own question. Better be back in his room before calling Steve.

“Not as much as you. You are pathetic.”

And thank you Gary. He didn’t realised when they were joined by him who has now fallen into steps with them, egging Tim on with a smirk to say something.

He had a lot that he can say but he went for the tamest.

“Be aware Gary, lest you be the one not bowling a lot of overs.”

Knowing the pitch that they will get in Perth that probably wouldn’t be a good choice.

But he had to irk Gary somehow and that was the best that he got.

And it probably worked too the way he got a stare full of disbelief and contempt for his words. He smiled full on in Gary’s face before turning to go to his room.

He heard Shaun’s laugh after him.

* * *

It was his first win as the captain of this Australian team. Fuck it felt awesome.

Absolutely.

They were all elated beyond words. At least they were turning the clock on Aussie cricket in the long format too.

He had been congratulated by one and all, everyone understanding how big it was for them after the recent events. JL promised them dinner from his own pocket and they agreed happily enough.

What had surprised him the most was the opposing captain’s words. Which were shocking to be fair. The way they had conducted like ‘children’ if some people were to be believed, he wasn’t expecting Kohli to say anything more other than the generic well done and congratulations.

But no.

He was speechless when Kohli not only congratulated him but went out of his way to mention his first win as the Aussie captain and well wishes for future matches, ‘except when you are playing me.’ He had said the last part with his trademark I’m better than you smirk.

Well now he knows that the truth behind ‘Kohli is definitely a changed man off the field’ were true. Unbelievable but true.

So right person does changes people. It’s not as if he can even contest that given the fact that Steve has changed him too.

So he had come back into the dressing room looking a bit shell shocked, making JL laugh out loud at him.

“This doesn’t mean I’m going to be nice to him in the next match.” He declared jokingly.

“We wouldn’t expect you to Tim. Neither would he. We know you both are a dickhead in the field.”

His vice-captain, the all round nice guy said, putting his hand around his shoulders. JL’s smile just seconded that opinion.

“I didn’t knew you all secretly liked him this much.”

He said, trying to hide his smile.

“Eww…No Tim. Nobody likes him ‘as a person’.”

Gary said from beside JL and they all just laughed uncontrollably with the intentional reference to Tim Paine’s brand of on field sledging.

“Maybe we are just not like you two. Pulling each other’s pig tails.”

They all got joined by the other team members, with everyone’s attention turning to him once more, trying to get a raise, knowing how much his counterpart had been tormenting him.

“Just make sure all this attention that Kohli is getting from you doesn’t make Steve jealous.”

Gary said again in a low voice again, knowing full well he wouldn’t retaliate in front of others.

He just looked at him in a little disbelief. Man. You need a lesson.

“Don’t worry I keep him very happy. I know how to. There is this thing that I can do…”

He intentionally didn’t complete the sentence, watching Nathan Lyon, man off the match, choking on his beer.

He heard a few sniggers, groans, and TMIs from around him and smiled serenely before turning to leave.

* * *

When we celebrated Christmas together, we both were very happy, having squared the series, leaving the balance hanging equally in both the team’s favour.

It was a good few days, the festive cheer sweeping us under it too. We did everything the way they always did, none of our traditions missing.

The Christmas Eve movie marathon, the cuddling on the sofa, talking to our parents together, wishing everyone, getting their wishes and prayers in return, exchanging and opening presents in the night itself because one Tim Paine could never wait to open his Christmas presents in the morning.

I loved the way Tim’s face lit up when he discovered that I had gotten him a leather jacket, blue in colour. What can I say I liked when he looked dapper.

I got a filthy kiss in return, it can’t be said that he doesn’t know how to keep me happy.

Take that Gary.

He slid a small box towards me then, wrapped beautifully. Giving away the fact that it was done by him meticulously probably in a hotel room in recent time.

The cufflinks that he got me were absolutely lovely. The design was in the form of Celtic knot. And they were also blue which had made us laugh.

It had made me emotional, understanding the meaning behind the design.

And that was before India retained the BG trophy. I came back to Sydney before he could come there with the team, making the arrangements for him to stay at the apartment. Thank goodness for the foresight to keeping one in Sydney.

I knew he was feeling desolate. They all were, losing home matches never makes up for good memories. Or reputation. Especially when you can’t capitalize on your winning streak from previous match.

They weren’t able to stop the visitors from registering first series win in over a decade. That doesn’t look good for any home team. Let alone one that has been under so much changes and hostile public scrutiny.

I knew papers would be again filled with question marks over his captaincy and some players’ skills. Harsh ones. Everyone will just have to brave it all front on. 

Most of them were used to media being hard ass, some will learn with time. It wasn’t as if there weren’t any goods to take from this series. They all will just have to focus on those goods, digest the loss and move on to the next one.

I’ll abide by my promise and be here for Tim. Thick or thin, by his side, for better or worse. I just wished that we can have the better now, we’ve already had a lot of the worse.

* * *

* * *

** February **

In any case this was huge for all of them. Breaking the losing streak felt good. Even if at home. Yeah whatever, the media will never be happy with them.

They celebrated quietly but heartily. Out of the eyes of media and pressers. Mostly with their loved ones around. They all had other things lined up after that. IPL or World Cup before the biggest test of all. Figuratively and literally.

The Ashes.

The preparations were in their last stages from a purely managerial aspect. He was happy with the way things were going. Mostly JL was satisfied. But they all were keeping a keen eye on the players they thought would prove substantial in their fight to retain and win the Ashes on English soil. Something which hasn’t been done in last so many years.

Realistically, JL has said that they should count and view every scenario. Even the losing one. But their preparations should be fully and completely to win and win hard. Even if they do lose, he maintained, they should go down fighting.

Tim was pretty sure few of the guys were ready to fire up anyway. Especially Davey and Steve. And then those guys who were not going to play the world cup but were waiting for a chance in Ashes. It will be hard to choose a team compatible to the situation and demands at that time.

It will be long summer for everyone. Right now his only responsibility after winning this series was to prepare for the Ashes. That was the first and foremost thing they were concerned about. The entire world cup campaign was being handled by other group of people. And he was sure that they were also firing up in the same manner his own was.

They were in discussion with some of the ex greats of the Australian team for coaching help in the World Cup and the Ashes. Hopefully it would prove fruitful.

Mind full of all these things, he didn’t realise when his destination was reached. He smiled thankfully though. It was long time being separated from Steve and it was great to be coming home to him. Long time- more than a week.

They both had realised that after the heartbreak and sufferings of last year they weren’t easy with separation. So he was grateful to be back home to his man. Who was there to pick him up in a fairly secluded part of the airport.

“Welcome back home.”

It was delivered with a joking tone. They had been together in the first match before Steve had to come back home to join the training camp started early for some of the players.

“Aww babe. Thank you. I missed you.”

He replied in kind. Sarcasm dripping.

Then they both laughed simultaneously before he dragged Steve towards himself to kiss thoroughly. They were together just a week back did not mean that he didn’t really missed his boyfriend.

“Home. Now.”

Steve touched his lips with the back of his hands. He was looking a bit wild around the edges, breathing fast.

“Whatever you want.”

He smiled smugly before starting the drive back to their place. Nice welcome back

** **

** **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> validate meeee....leave a review as a holiday gift :p
> 
> If you're interested,, I listened to 'You're the Reason' a lot while writing this. I freaking love this song.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything is soft and fluffy now, for the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies in advance if the quality seems deteriorated, still have a lot of work and shoddy net connectivity. Do let me know if you find any mistakes.
> 
> Holidays- what are those??

* * *

** England- July **

** **

We don’t do well with separation now. And I guess most of the guys understand that, the way they all looked after me. Concern and sympathy, and a few sniggers too. Thanks Zamps. Your boyfriend is here doesn’t mean you get to make fun of others’ misery.

It was hard also because of my anxiety and stress over getting back into the playing for national team. Though the assimilation within the team was smooth enough, I can’t help but hear the occasional comments and booings.

I try my best to follow the advices of others and put a deaf ear to it all. But times like these they get under my skin and then I miss him all the more. Just to wrap myself in his arms, away from the world, safe and sound.

It is a morose mood hanging over everyone. Nobody wants or expects to lose, winning is what we are here for. But it is a game and one party will lose while other will win. Or whatever JL said. It still hurt. The guys were all in a hurry to reach the hotel. To be unhappy and morose in privacy, or with loved ones.

The bus was unusually silent. No one wanted to address what had happened. I see Maxi sitting with Finchi, which was good. I know how it goes after you loose on big platforms. How much it hurts and how much companionship you crave. Finch at least was in good hands.

Which brings me to the phone in my hands. Which was also quiet. Uncommon. In our entire campaign, I would get a call from him just after getting into the bus after all the matches. A reminder to take a break, or just small talk about fellow players or playing conditions. Things to drive my mind away from the game, a respite offered in his own way.  
  


But not today. Nothing.

‘Maybe he slept early.’ I tried to reason with myself. But it wouldn’t work because no matter what, he stayed late for all the matches. And this was big one. So why wouldn’t he be awake.

I just wanted to talk to him. To hear his voice, I can’t have his presence physically but at least on the phone I can.

Which stoically remained silent.

Sighing I raised my head to look around. Anything to take my mind off this too. And I met JL’s stare head on who had a small smile on his lips. Probably encouraging and uplifting us in his own way. He had been a great help for us. The man himself needed a break. But knowing him, he would be up and working for Ashes from tomorrow.

Shaking my head I smiled back to him. Tonight we all are down and suffering.

Finally we reached the hotel. In a flurry of activity, we all left the bus, wanting to be inside soonest. There were a group of Aussie fans with a few ‘well dons’ and ‘it’s alrights’ thrown at us. We smiled at them too, thankful for the constant support anyway.

Reaching our floor, I felt the tiredness of the day in my bones, more mental than physical. Or just the irritation of not talking to him since this morning. I opened my room blindly, the sadness of losing a world cup semi catching up to me.

Whose stuff…? I don’t really allow anyone in my room except Tim so the coat wrapped on the back of the chair made me stop. And then I spotted him. Casually napping. On my bed.

It wasn’t a human sound that I let off. And Davey will remind me of that tomorrow if he is in his room, I realised.

Anyway I had already jumped him, crossing the distance in coupl’a steps.

“Oohff”

Maybe it was not a good idea, but I needed him at the moment. And this was absolutely best thing that happened. I had missed him so much in the last two months.

“Hey babe” I could hear the smile and happiness in his words. And then

“Hopefully you’re not trying to suffocate me?”

But I didn’t care, I kept hugging him overcome with emotions now, tears falling.

I felt him moving then and getting me into his embrace more properly. And hiding myself in his arms, I let go. It was a lot of things. Happiness, sadness all wrapped together.

* * *

What he had hoped when he booked the tickets was to celebrate, not to meet his mates after a defeat in the semis.

His heart broke when he felt Steve’s tears falling on his neck. It was a lot of stuff he knew, and not just a semi-final defeat. He hugged his desolate boyfriend closer to him, trying to give whatever degree of comfort he can manage.

Words, he knew, at these moments were useless. It was better if Steve cry it all out and brave the next day, refreshed.

It took some time for Steve to calm down, still sniffling though. He had his face tucked into Tim’s chest, hands wrapped around. Protected, cared for, safe.

“Feeling better?”

He asked after a moment, lowered tone. His hands were tracing random patterns on Steve’s body, trying to calm and comfort him.

He just got a gloomy nod in reply.

“Want to take a shower?”

He wanted Steve to turn his mind away from the day, hoping that will be helpful.

This time the reply was a verbal affirmative but Steve made no move to detach himself from the embrace.

“C’mon. Then we can go and checkup on others.”

He tried to cajole some action. Also he did wanted to meet others and see if they were alright.

** England- August-September **

They were all happy and pumped up. They won the first match of the Ashes series, which bode well for their campaign. Especially Tim, winning an Ashes test, that too as the captain? Stuffs dreams are made of. He had a lot of people to thank for the win. But one man especially.

His boyfriend. Who was happily eating a full pack of chocolate, looking like a child in all honesty. He laughed, a bit delirious with the happiness. Steve’s comeback was something they all hoped for and he delivered. And then some.

It was emotional for them all and not just for Steve. It meant a lot. Though individual performances were something to be worried about, overall as a team effort they managed to achieve a win.

He knew tomorrow they will have a meeting, assessing, examining, and going over things to make sure that the mistakes of the first match wouldn’t get repeated. Though his mind was burdened with something else too. He was absolutely disgusted by the manner spectators behaved.

May be he was partial, there was no doubt that Aussie public was the same in some degrees. But he fucking hated the photograph displayed on nearly every direction in the stadium. Thankfully Steve was able to shake it all with a ‘water off my back’.

And in no way was he ever gonna discuss that. They have moved on from the heartbreak of last year, and he’d never want Steve to relive that time again, even in simple discussion. And he abhors that picture. So no mention of that. Period.

Doesn’t mean he has to like it. This was what he meant when he said that there was need to set new examples for conduct all those months back. Maybe they will achieve that someday.

“Stop thinking so hard, you’re done being captain for the day.”

He didn’t realised when Steve had turned on his side. He was caressing Tim’s forehead, as if trying to smooth out the creases there. Sweet.

“Well I thought I will give you time with your chocolate.”

He teased Steve, gathering the man in his arms. Truly he can forget everything else for a while and appreciate the absolute brilliance of his boyfriend.

“You can give me time with something else too…”

Steve said, wiggling his eyebrows. And then they both laughed at the same time.

“That was so bad babe. Like make Lyono hear that, bad.”

It had become a sort of a joke to crack as many cringe worthy, ‘that’s too much information guys’ dialogue in front of their star spinner.

“I might just do that.”

Steve replied cheekily. The man was happy.

The first match gave him the foundation to lay the star comeback he probably dreamt of far too many times. It did made him feel bad that others weren’t able to perform but from a purely personal perspective, he was selfishly happy for his own hard work paying off. First in the World Cup and now in the test matches which were, on some scale more important to him.

“This suits you. This happiness of performing so well.”

Tim said, the admiration and pleasure for his achievement evident.

“Yeah?”

He got a chaste kiss in reply. At the end of the day, making Tim happy would be the most important thing for him.

“Just trying to score some points from my captain.”

He heard Steve say, looking at him with suppressed smile.

“Well…maybe you did.”

His hands on Steve’s back, he maneuvered and pushed his boyfriend to lie down.

* * *

He had no idea how he managed to go by in the first innings. But somehow he did.

The moment he saw it happen, he felt his heart stop beating all together. No movement. In his chest. Or out in the field.

The entire dressing room went deadly quiet, same question in everyone’s mind. ‘What if…’, the terror so clearly etched on everyone’s face.

Tim didn’t wanted to think anything, wanting him to stand up or move or something. For god’s sake… just…

He tried to breathe but it was impossible. The scene from moments ago played in front of his closed eyes.

“Tim, breathe.”

He heard JL say in a harsh whisper, digging fingers in his biceps.

“That’s it.”

He raggedly started breathing, feeling as if he suddenly got into a high altitude area, no oxygen anywhere.

“Just get him inside, Saw.”

JL mumbled from beside him. But they both knew how stubborn Steve was. And how much he was obsessed to perform better in this series. He was afraid that Steve will refuse to come back.

The team doctor was there. Checking, talking, and then coming back with him in tow, to their collective relief.

Thank the heavens!

He wanted to look for himself that Steve was alright. That it was a few seconds horror and nothing more.

They all allowed Tim and JL to reach him first, to have their own reassurances. Hearts getting back to intended work. That was an extremely intense and painful moment for them all. Something which they never though they’d ever witness again. At least not with their own. No one was looking at other, the fear so similar in all of their faces.

He didn’t knew what to say, he just silently stood there while the doctor checked Steve up more thoroughly, JL asking questions again and again if he is truly alright.

Then they were left alone. Or however alone they could be in midst of more than twenty people all anxious and worried about their team mate.

“I’m alright, Tim.”

He heard Steve say in a small voice. He wanted to counter him. The doctor said that he was more worried about delayed concussion. That Steve has to be careful now.

“Yeah…yeah.”

He replied, still not looking at Steve, mind stormed with thoughts that wouldn’t come to the surface, the fear of what if, tightening his chest.

Steve moved to take hold of his hands, probably himself needing some reassurances, so he turned to hug him close instead, people looking be damned. At least they were people who knew about their relationship. They are allowed this. They need this.

Others came then a moment later, with their own how are you’s and thank God’s.

*

“…no but I have to…how else am I going to get my name on the honours board…”

Steve was practically whining. And he wasn’t able to say anything, feeling as if he’d open his mouth, only something wrong would come out.

He wanted to shout and shake his boyfriend up. He already got his name on the honours board. JL and Doctor Saw were there dealing with Steve in wake of his silence.

None of them wanted him to go out again. It was the first innings, and the match was more than assured to end in draw.

“If you are sure, Steve.”

His words in a manner silenced everyone. It was the captain speaking, not Steve Smith’s boyfriend. A man putting his team’s need first, not his emotions. Putting his player first.

*

He was sitting in the showers silently, eyes closed. He didn’t wanted to see Steve go back outside, so he had excused and hid himself there instead.

He didn’t knew how long he sat there, when he heard movement beside him and then someone threw a towel at him. He opened his eyes to see Mitch standing there.

“You should be outside”, he said in a gentle tone. “Even if you don’t want to. Needs must, mate.”

And he thought of declining. And then he thought of keeping appearance when you are hurting so much. Who would know better than this guy. Maybe that’s why he was the one to search him out.

“In a moment.” He nodded and replied.

*

I could see him sitting on the bed, completely exhausted, and silently doing his breathing exercises. What happened today seems have taken a toll on him more than me.

I didn’t want that. I promised myself I’d never worry him ever again. And here I go, making him look so utterly miserable.

“Come here.” Gentle command but I eagerly moved towards him.

His hand touched my face lightly before embracing me. I closed my eyes and tucked myself in his chest. My safe place.

“God Steve! I thought there for a moment…shit.”

I didn’t have anything to say, except to push myself more into his body. Taking and giving reassurances. The things that went in my mind at that moment, I didn’t need to voice them. He of course knew.

“I’m sorry you had to face that. I can’t imagine…”

He wasn’t completing his sentences but I understood anyway.

I knew him well. And I didn’t need to speak, I turned my head and kissed him. There are things that can’t be talked about at times. So we didn’t.

I slept in his arms with him tracing patterns on my back. They felt like some words, but I couldn’t decipher them.

*

In the end they managed to draw the match. Inevitable but still hard fought for. They were leaving the Lord’s ground, the last ones, when he stopped at the honours board.

“You have your name here already, Steve.”

Steve was standing beside him. He had been desolate, not just because of being injured but mostly because he was substituted in the second innings and now he wouldn’t be able to play in the next match. There was nothing that could be done anyway. There was no way they would risk a player like that.

“Yeah. It is.”

He heard Steve reply in low tone.

“I remember it. I read about it the next day in the papers.”

“Timothy David Paine were you keeping tabs on me?”

Steve was fully turned towards him, eyes enquiring, amazed.

“Uhm, no. I was keeping tabs on the team.”

“Ohh…” Steve replied, a bit dismayed.

“Of course idiot, I was keeping tab on you.”

He dragged Steve into his arms and kissed his hairline. There wasn’t anyone around so he took the risk.

“You were…” this time the reply was bashful, his face pink. He really wasn’t expecting that. Somehow in their entire relationship it never came up. He beamed at Tim and then remembered something.

“Isn’t like after few months…”

“…we got together. I stopped being a sacredly cat and asked you out. Yes.”

He completed, mystified. How different had their lives been till then. It was still different but somehow being together made life better in every aspect. Good or bad, everything.

* * *

It was worse than pin drop silence. It was as if every single person present has forgotten how to breathe, suspended somewhere. This was pain more acute than anything else I’ve ever felt before probably.

The silence was crushing us all at the same time. Bit by bit, grinding us with hurt and disbelief and hopelessness.

I don’t want to look at anyone, somehow feeling like a failure. If I hadn’t been hurt, I could’ve been there. I might’ve helped them somehow. Something could’ve been done. More runs, a catch, or anything. Watching it all unfold from the sidelines was more excruciating.

We are sitting together, but he isn’t here, his mind miles away, or maybe hours back in the game. Dissecting everything. And going by the way he was clutching his shirt, I am pretty certain that he is blaming himself for it all.

I moved to straighten out his hand, not wanting him to unnecessarily create problems for his finger, holding so tight. We need him fit and fine more than anyone else.

But there was no reaction from him, as if he didn’t even registered my touch. And that made me worried. I have no idea how to reach out to him in the wake of this, he is not a man of many words, and a lot of internalization.

There was no meeting today after the match, everyone too raw and out of sorts to be asked into a meeting, however short. JL had said that we will meet tomorrow after breakfast. He asked us to try and sleep, to try and not think too much about what happened.

But that wasn’t likely to happen anyway. Each one of us will lose some good amount of sleep. And not only of tonight but also of many other coming nights.

*

There was just one thought in his mind—‘what if he had not taken that review?’ ‘What if he had done something more?’ ‘What if he had scored more runs?’ ‘What if he hadn’t robbed the team of a winning wicket? Of the win? Of the Urn?’

He could feel Steve’s steady breathing beside him, not realizing when the man fell asleep, considering he had been awake most of the night. Not talking, not speaking, just sitting beside him, giving him company and the space he wanted.

But he couldn’t even look in Steve’s eyes. The man gave them the Urn last Ashes and he let it slip so easily.

Too raw. Too much hurt. He had hopes for this match. High hopes. They all had. The Urn was well within sight in the first inning. But somehow he let it all fall away. All his bloody fault.

If only…if only…

He wants to stop thinking but he can’t seem to do so. His brain replaying the last few moments again and again, in detail. With the added bonus of things he could have done differently. He doesn’t feel like he can face his mates anytime soon.

He doesn’t know how Punter overcame the 2005 loss. Maybe he can ask now specifically. The same Headingley horror for them both.

*

“…and I’m sorry. I’m sorry I lost you guys the match. I should’ve just…”

“Shut it Tim.”

He wanted to finish addressing his mates with an apology. He felt he owed them. But Davey certainly was not interested. He looked on in surprise, not knowing where the conversation was going.

“Are you going to blame others for failing? For losing the match? No, right. So why do you think that we are blaming you? It’s a team effort through and through, you are not blaming anyone of us so why blame yourself? Will you blame me? Or Gazza? So shut it. We all let the match slip after the first inning. Or the Pommies just bounced back too well. You said we gotta move on, be better in the next one. So what is the point of this?”

The way everyone was looking, probably no one was expecting Dave to say all of that. But it seemed that they all appreciated it.

“We aren’t the media Tim, we are your mates. Surely you know us better than to think that we’d blame you for yesterday.”

This time Pat joined Dave. Looking at him, smile a mixture of amusement, acceptance, and assurance.

He looked at his team mates a bit overwhelmed. It was true he knew at the core that they wouldn’t blame him, but as the captain it felt like he should apologise, like he owed them.

His team wasn’t having any of it though.

JL took over after that, reiterating the same point and then moving on to important stuff about what could be done better.

He sat back in his seat, with Steve’s arms wrapped around, casually, a kiss delivered to his hairline discreetly. And they both smiled at the groan coming from Gary beside them.

* * *

It was elation. It was euphoria. It was ecstasy. It was madness.

Of triumph.

They retained the Ashes on the English soil after 18 years.

They were a jubilant bunch now, on cloud nine with the win. They managed to do what they came to do. Retain the Ashes first then go for the win. The very silent initial plan.

Come home with it.

And he will. They all will. The crowd was going wild. A pandemonium, from the Australian spectators in the stand. They were given what they came for. A win in the last throes of the game. Their team rising out of the figurative ashes of last year.

The Phoenix.

Players, Team, Management, Spectators, all. They were promised the new beginning and they were getting it. Match by match. Heartbreak to heartbreak. Win to win.

Finally.

*

It was an absolute mayhem in the dressing room and going by the looks of it, not going to die anytime soon. He was tucked at the back, letting it all wash over him.

If someone told him two years back that one day he would lead the Aussies to a miracle victory on English soil, he would have laughed at them. Hell he was considering retirement and a desk job at Kookaburra. It was only Steve who had pleaded him to wait for some time, to have faith in himself. And that man’s utter faith in him landed them here.

Amidst a bunch of cricketers who would be remembered in the history books as miracle makers. And who were right now engaged in some kind of drinking game. He just smiled listening to all the bickering going between the ‘oldies’ and the ‘new kids on the block.’ Bunch of children.

He sensed someone sitting beside him and didn’t have to open his eyes to know who it was. He had left Steve talking to Marnus and sat here, seems like his boyfriend was done for now.

He snaked his arm around Steve’s middle and dragged him into his lap, enjoying the squawking and undignified yelp. He laughed and hid his face in Steve’s neck, all the while getting slapped by the man. He finally joined Tim, laughing heartily.

They heard someone whistling lewdly- Wadey. Of course who else. It’s either him or Lyono, always. The man had been pestering him since they were small kids. He never stopped meddling in his life anyway.

He inhaled Steve’s scent and was probably a bit buzzed and a lot emotional, but he couldn’t stop the few tears from leaking from his eyes and onto Steve’s neck. He sensed the moment Steve felt them and then tightened his hold around him, somehow understanding the meaning behind those tears.

He moved his head to look up. Steve’s own eyes were shining with unshed tears. But there also was love and respect for him there. The kind that wouldn’t be found anywhere else.

He surged to kiss his man, being so emotional, he had to. The ferocity of the kiss nearly knocked them off the bench, it wasn’t meant for two people, but he held on and kept kissing, until they were disturbed by Gary.

Obfuckingviously.

“My eyes! My! Eyes!”

It was dramatic, as per his standards but they were all laughing now. Enjoying their captain and his boyfriend’s flustered faces.

“Smudge mate, there are kids here, please behave.” He added after his dramatic entry.

“Yeah mate, we don’t wanna corrupt the young ‘uns. One of them has already become your disciple.”

Matthew Wade, adding his two cents.

“It’s not like that.”

Marnus interrupted, a little flustered. He was newest target of team banter, given his propensity of following Steve like a puppy.

“Mate it is like that. I am heart broken.”

Ussie added from the side lines, knocking a can of coke.

He got a sock launched at him. Which he caught perfectly. Sober reflexes.

Everyone laughed at those two. They never stopped bickering in the dressing room, reminding a lot of them of life with their own siblings and the Marsh brothers.

“Just you are five years too late to score your chance or there about.”

Starcy said and sniggered. There was another wave off laughter at that.

“Hey…”

“Ohh Smudge, feeling possessive are we?”

Davey was sitting directly opposite them, and looking at Steve wiggling his eyebrows.

“Shut up Davey. It's as if I’ll ever let go of this one.”

Steve replied and turned to Tim, smile blindingly.

“Ugh…that was so sweet, I almost caught diabetes.”

Starcy whined dramatically in tune with his actions, all clownish.

“You’re just missing Alyssa, mate. That was pathetic.”

This time Tim joined the conversation. Starc really was pathetic the way he missed Alyssa sometimes.

And then he added-“at least we aren’t like those two.”

He pointed towards Pat and Mitch, the former of which was lying on the floor quite comfortably with his head in his fiancé’s lap.

“Leave us alone. We are just following the captain.”

Mitch said smiling crookedly. His hands were Pat’s hair, them both in a separate world of their own amidst the chaos of the dressing room.

“The captain and the vice-captain corrupting the new kids. What is this team culture.”

The ribbing wouldn’t stop anytime soon so he just smiled and poked his tongue out at Gary.

Steve was still sitting in his lap, their hands wrapped around each other. And now a need for comfort and privacy growing steadily between them.

“Tim, mate, you both should just head out to the hotel already. And perhaps let your vice-captain also tag along.”

He turned slightly red faced, to look at Dave who was smirking at him along with a few others and JL. He didn’t realised when he got back. And going by the suggestive smirks around them, this much PDA was uncharacteristic.

He saw their coach shake his head, the trademark smile plastered on his face. He addressed them all-

“Maybe we all should. Don’t wanna anyone getting scarred anymore.”

They all mumbled in assent. Mitch and Pat rather enthusiastic. He figured they also wanted to celebrate in privacy and peace of their room, same as he wanted to now.

And also he had a plan to execute. He moved towards where Steve was packing his three dozen gloves and two dozen bats and smiled fondly. This man breathed and lived on cricket.

He looked around, everyone was busy now in packing their own stuff except in case of Ussie and Marnus, who were busy bickering about something as usual.

He turned and murmured in Steve’s ears-

“If you are the first one to pack and leave, you can do whatever you want tonight.”

The first part of the plan set in motion. Steve’s eyes were glazed over for a moment and then set afire. He started packing as if a man possessed, leaving some around him, a bit shocked and worried.

Tim turned and Mitch was looking straight at him, head tilted, puzzled as everyone else. But then the lightbulb went on in his head and he, suppressing his smile, winked at Tim and turned towards Pat. A silent conversation went on between the two.

The man was not as stupid as everyone made him out to be.

But before thing could escalate to others, he hastily followed Steve outside.

* * *

He was holding Steve’s hand under the table, more like clutching forcefully, away from the prying eyes of the media and press. It was for his own sake. He still can’t believe that he is taking the Urn back home. He was just happy that he played his part perfectly. The way he and JL devised it all those months back.

Un-bloody-believable.

A sharp pain in his hands brought his attention back to the room and the man beside him who indicated under the breath that the media was starting. He released Steve’s hands and brought his own on the table.

Steve’s one hand reached out and stayed on his knee, the other very politely rested on the table. He tried to not look like a ‘besotted fool’ as Mitch sometimes call him.

He focused on answering the questions in his usual way- some sarcasm, some politeness, and a lot of offensive charm. He just wished no one would ask about his nightmare with DRS, he had already been saying the same thing again and again- he is practically shit at it.

Thankfully the presser was confined towards their record win and Ashes draw after an age. It went smoothly except for the part where he blatantly made fun of Steve, enjoying the moment. Well he couldn’t just tell them that he had to calm his boyfriend down with kisses. He received a pinch for his sass.

It felt great being happy and satisfied with his team’s performances, making Steve laugh beside him. There were a lot of things that they still have to address but right at that moment, everything took a back seat.

They were done pretty soon and he started thinking about how he has to gather his boys and lead them towards the home dressing room to join the English team. The invitation still a bit weird and unsettling but at least a positive start.

* * *

They were all lounging here and there, still buzzed with how their months’ long campaign ended. Laughing, talking, joking, and kissing…Ohh that’s just Mitch and Pat. And none of them looked to be in the mood to move anytime soon either. But they had to.

“C’mon guys lets go. The English captain’s invitation stands awaiting. Soon we go, soon we’ll be done.”

He addressed his mates at large, urging them to move. He really wanted to be done with it all.

“I know Rooty boy is considered very nice but an invitation to their dressing room? Farfetched. Also he wasn’t being so nice in the starting.”

There were times they were bitter about Joe Root’s comment about letting spectators do what they want, even if it meant harassing the opposition.

Water under the bridge all of that, he opened his mouth to say something along those line to Wade, but Gary already spoke.

“Maybe he took a leaf out of Timmy’s book, making nice with everyone. And everyone can not be as nice as Kohli now. Can they?”

Most of them laughed at the last part, the reference to what Kohli did in the World Cup with the Indian spectators. He rolled his eyes, High schoolers all of them at times.

“Kohli was trying to impress his best friend, no Tim?”

Wade said in a snigger. They all seemed to think their on-field altercations somehow made them into sworn enemies. Which was not true. He had come to terms to respecting that man, albeit begrudgingly.

“Or probably he was just trying to score Steve, Tim being uninterested.”

It seemed this was a loud gossip session between Wadey and Gary, being broadcasted for everyone’s silly entertainment. Gary probably was a bit under the pain meds and Wade was taking full advantage, heckling him on.

“Poor man doesn’t know that he would fail.”

Uhh about that. He raised his head and looked into Steve’s eyes, both of them remembering what happened in Sydney at the start of the year.

And they were noticed by a bunch of their mates, who were of course looking at them.

“Tim, mate, spill. Now.”

Wade was looking at him questioning and threatening.

“Nothing that you should be concerned about.”

He tried to dodge his friend. But he knew it won’t be possible, the way they all were looking hawkishly at him and Steve, now somehow in the middle, their mates’ gazes boring on them.

He looked at Steve, not wanting to say anything if Steve didn’t wanted to. The man just shrugged and proceeded to speak.

“Virat knows. My fault entirely, back when they were playing us in Sydney, I went to pick Tim from net practice from the ground. He was the last one there. Virat saw us.”

“And he didn’t say anything? I don’t believe that!”

Gary said, shock colouring his words. Man disliked Virat very much. Or pretended to.

“No he did not. He was actually pretty well behaved. And then in IPL he was very understanding of it again.”

Steve replied easily, he did had a sort of easy friendship with Kohli now. That man had defended him on occasions from the media, whatever his reasons being, and then he was so accepting and easy with his and Tim’s relationship. Which frankly had shocked them both a lot. But they gradually accepted it.

“He isn’t that bad off the field, actually.”

It was Starcy, not looking at them, Gary in particular. The expected outcome came anyway.

“Mitch Starc you fuckin’ traitor!”

“Boys are we moving or not?” they were interrupted from continuing their stupidity by their coach, who probably became tired of waiting for them to go out by themselves.

* * *

It was surreal the way the two biggest rival teams of the game were mingling with each other, all rivalries left on the field. Just some people sharing laughs and beers. He looked around him, noticing the way everyone was easily talking to each other, some banters, some jokes.

Yeah good to see.

His own boyfriend was animatedly talking to some English players and of course Marnus was there. He shook his head in resigned acceptance. There will be a lot of Marnus Labuschagne in his future. He just has to accept, so better start early.

He wanted to leave as soon as would be polite and go back and rest, probably sleep for a week.

He spotted Mitch looking intently and a bit angrily at someone and turned his head to look properly. He does not expect anyone to create a scene but he probably should check just in…

Pat.

Who was talking to the English quick Woakes.

Mitch was eyeing Pat angrily, standing beside his childhood friend. ‘What’s all that about’, he wondered.

And then it clicked as he realised, and prepared to go and rescue his vice-captain before he gets relegated to sleeping on the sofa tonight. He really didn’t wanted that for his mate.

Patrick J. Cummins should be aware of his fiancé’s possessiveness.

His Vice Captain rescued and informed of his intention of leaving, he left the English dressing room silently, knowing many would follow now. That much socialization was probably enough for everyone tonight.

* * *

Halfway down, he was joined by Steve, who took hold of his hand, his finger caressing the broken and bandaged thumb. He stopped and turned to look at his boyfriend, there wasn’t anyone on that side of the stadium so they were pretty safe.

“I’m so proud of you Tim, you did it.” Steve’s voice was wet and it hitched at the end, eyes shining with the emotions.

And here, in the middle of the night, under the open sky, he would accept this. He would accept the compliment Steve gave to him, without saying that it was a team effort.

Because what Steve was referring to was not just this win, it was many, many other things.

“He did it” referred to everything from last two years and he felt pretty proud of his own journey. He never imagined he would be at this moment in his life. There was a desk job in his life, not donning the baggy green again, and eventually helping his team create a record in England. He knows how the future will unfold now, but the present gave him enough to be satisfied.

So yeah, he really did it.

He smiled at Steve before moving forward and pressing a small kiss on his lips, under the open, starry sky.

They were the first ones back, when Steve mentioned it, he wanted to go somewhere else before going back home. He was a bit surprised as he thought Steve would be restless to be back at home now. But he was excitedly and expectantly looking at Tim.

“You have already booked the tickets, haven’t you?”

He asked, smiling, wasn’t a rocket science to deduce. Steve just nodded and beamed at him.

“It’ll be fun, I promise. You will like it.”

“I will like it anywhere, as long as you are with me.”

He pulled Steve closer to him for some more kisses, until their mates come back.

“GUYS! TOO! MUCH!”

‘Nathan fucking Lyon. Of course’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to end this fic here but I wrote the last chapter long before this one, so will be posting that too but as a separate work now... :p
> 
> leave a review...cheers

**Author's Note:**

> leave a comment, kudo, or whatever. I feed off of them.  
and if you wanna know, I've been listening to Be My Escape on loop while writing this :)


End file.
